[09]

2009
has taught me:

you can't rely on your relationship to replace friends
there will always be a hotter brunette than me
if you want something done, do it yourself.
trust that "something isn't right" gut instinct.
pick your battles
i need to go out more often
stand up for my feelings
losing weight takes time, be patient.
stop procrasinating
dont rely on compliments to feel good
money can by happiness

my lame 2010 resolutions:
-loose 20
- start sketching
- GET INTO OCAD

[ 08 ]

he didn't have to tell me what relationships they fought about. i already knew more than likely it was about her.whenever i think about it, my body numbs and my heart skips a beat. i've forgiven but that province from time to time won't let me forget. i've rehearsed so many times what i'd say if i ever saw her. Despite the initial conversation; The night went on without to much fuss. I wondered how he could be content with such a small birthday get together, but he seemed to be fine with it. It made me sad that no one (other than myself) bought drinks or brought a gift. But all he wanted was their company i supose.

[07]

i couldn't believe it was christmas,
and now i can't believe its already over.

i tried to take in family more than anything this year. how my grandma cursed like a sailor and relied on my grandpa to put on her coat. Or how my grandpa no longer wore his glasses from the 70's and the excitment from his new sweater overwhelmed him. it was happy and it was sad.

santa was more than generous this year. if i could change one thing it would have only been spending more time at my parents house. as crazy as they drive me; i realize more and more how i miss them.

[06]

remember
like your life
depended on it
profit
before
principal

[05]

timea turns 25&
this is what a hot mess looks like

my spray tan was more expensive than my dress. cover was free and so were a few drinks. i havent had that much fun in a very long time.

i'm poor and over worked. not to mention in complete denial that christmas is in 2 days. He left for windsor today, i had my hopes high for a christmas together but its not in the cards this year.

[04]

aropax princess got herself a case of the shakes.

[03]

like her, i also went back to the beginning and read.
read it all. read when i fell in love with him.
read when he wanted nothing to do with me.
read when i finally said fuck it and got a social life.
read when he told me he wanted to be normal with me.
read when he couldnt promise not to destroy me.
i smiled at how naive i was, or perhaps what i conveinitly chose to ignore.

reading it all- made me so uncomfortable.
there was a very fine line of if i was writing it all for myself
or because i knew he might read it.

words back then were alot more powerful then they seem to be today.

don't bite the apple eve

in the last few weeks i've lost about 7lbs
but where from is really the question
my love handles still look like they got alot of lovin' to give
my tummy still looks well fed
my thighs are still touching even if i move my feet apart.
beats me.

[01] Poison and Wine

you only know what i want you too
i know everything you don't want me too

hearts have been broken and hearts have grown
he's a part of my life almost everyday now

and sometimes i feel like i'm back at the beginning
while other days i feel like its a sprint to the finish line.
i haven't figured out where the race is taking me yet
some of the journey is familiar
while the other parts are still exciting and new.

dear blog,
i've missed you.

[ 87 ]

when it comes down to it,
i see myself as an amazing girlfriend but a terrible person

ps. am i so lame that i'm in love with beyonce's "halo" ?
ugh.

[ 86 ]

the bottles have been there for as long as i can remember. And yet i've never given them much thought, but the more i look at them, the more thought i've been giving them lately. from left to right, everyone tells a different story. the biggest one, which is no longer on the ledge was a present from his las girlfriend, the following several brown ones were drunken lonley nights spent in oakville before we were friends. they're dull and lifeless, probably much like the begning of the year. the next few we're all experiements, when i was in the picture. maybe trying to hard or maybe he was just seeking something different in his life all together. these are the clearn bottles, some with dimples, some 40's some 26'ers not one bottle alike. after this period, we hit the all vodka stage. 12 bottles, a sign of settling down? or giving up on needing something different? there's on that really catches my eye. the blue 40 of sky. the 4 of us drank this on my 19th birthday, a blurr of thumper, laughs and no cuddles. this bottle was a good night, but this bottle is also followed by bottles of routine that constantly repeated. there are no more expiermental bottles. no need to persue more bottles and maybe most importantly no more brown bottles

[ 85 ]

ever since i can remember i've always had alot of violent and morbid dreams. when i was younger, i would always have dreams that people were breaking into my house to come kill my entire family, and i would hide but i would always be found first. As i got older the dreams got worse. A couple years ago my dreams got so bad, i would wake up shaking and sweating. the most vivid of those dreams were the ones that i was posessed by the devil. in my dream i would feel it comming on and all of a sudden i would feel my body rising and watch everything happen. I haven't had one of these dreams in a year or two, but i've never forgoten them. Most recently, my re occuring dream is that out of no where i get light headed and dizzy and begin to get weak. i try and grab someone around me to tell them somethings not right, but they grasp what i' trying to say. i start to feel like i'm thinking and then everything goes back and i try to convince myself that i'm not dead.

they say if die in your dream before you wake up, you'll die in real life too.
although silly, i wonder if this could ever be true.

[ 84 ]

i was convinced my telepathy would work.
"just open your eyes, tell me i'm beautiful"
"just open your eyes, tell me i'm beautiful"
he looked but said nothing
i smiled
maybe i wasn't thinking hard enough

"look at me, really look at me, tell me i'm beautiful"

[ 83 ]

are you allowed to be mad at someone for something they did before you even knew them? but what if what you know- changes everything about today. are you allowed to resent them then?

[ 82 ]

and without telling me directly
you told me all i needed to know
the one who got away, will always be, the one who got away.
i'll always be short and stout and turn into my mom,
always cute but never hot enough.


i feel like the third wheel today
and it sucks.

[ 81]

when I first started writing this
I swear my intentions were well
and I`d start with maybe a memory or two
but then I saw you for the first time in a while
and awkward thoughts brought awkward smiles.

[ 80 ]

i am love sick with the machine gun blues

[ 79 ]

i'm surprised this week hasn't killed us yet. presentations, layout, media and a test.
fML
after tomorrow the week should be a bit better
karma has been on my side this week, but i'm really not looking forward to when that changes.
i got my gala dress today after class, it's cute and surprisingly not black.
not to mention a size 8 :) which i was pretty satisfied about.
other than that i'm tired and grumpy
and can't figure out why he's been mad at me all day
hmm

[ 78 ]

today i found out i have a layout project due tomorrow,
while already tomorrow includes
media at 9am, more layout at 11, and presentation at 1, followed by dress shopping alone, and my favourite company at night.

it's weeks like these that kill my motivation, to want to be anything better.
and the sinking feelings are in it's prime.

[ 78 ]

portfolio review, finally the stress is over.
after a long GO ride and a cab drive that didn't know where elm st was and didn't know the difference between and even and off number, i made it to the center on time and got my place at table 9. only after sitting on the wrong side of the table with the portfolio reviewers, not the student side (fml)
"before i look at your portfolio, i'm going to let you know i have graphic design history so i'm going to be brutal" ---great.
fortunantly for me, it was all positive feedback and critisim. "you're ideas are there and are great and funny and quirky but, you just need to work on your craft and typgraphy." was the general theme among the 3 reviewers.
but they gave me direction, goals, and everything i need to know in order to get an awesome job. i also ended up getting a fatty advertising book on all the award winning ads, graphic design, photography, student ads ect.

the problem was, i was working on what i thought they wanted to see, not what i wanted to do. i wanted to give them everything and not focus it in one direction. without going to that reiview, i can honestly say i don't think i would have ever gotten the internship i wanted, job i wanted or anything.

i don't say it often but i'm proud of myself for going, and doing what i need to do.
:)