[ 08 ]

he didn't have to tell me what relationships they fought about. i already knew more than likely it was about her.whenever i think about it, my body numbs and my heart skips a beat. i've forgiven but that province from time to time won't let me forget. i've rehearsed so many times what i'd say if i ever saw her. Despite the initial conversation; The night went on without to much fuss. I wondered how he could be content with such a small birthday get together, but he seemed to be fine with it. It made me sad that no one (other than myself) bought drinks or brought a gift. But all he wanted was their company i supose.

[07]

i couldn't believe it was christmas,
and now i can't believe its already over.

i tried to take in family more than anything this year. how my grandma cursed like a sailor and relied on my grandpa to put on her coat. Or how my grandpa no longer wore his glasses from the 70's and the excitment from his new sweater overwhelmed him. it was happy and it was sad.

santa was more than generous this year. if i could change one thing it would have only been spending more time at my parents house. as crazy as they drive me; i realize more and more how i miss them.

[06]

remember
like your life
depended on it
profit
before
principal

[05]

timea turns 25&
this is what a hot mess looks like

my spray tan was more expensive than my dress. cover was free and so were a few drinks. i havent had that much fun in a very long time.

i'm poor and over worked. not to mention in complete denial that christmas is in 2 days. He left for windsor today, i had my hopes high for a christmas together but its not in the cards this year.

[04]

aropax princess got herself a case of the shakes.

[03]

like her, i also went back to the beginning and read.
read it all. read when i fell in love with him.
read when he wanted nothing to do with me.
read when i finally said fuck it and got a social life.
read when he told me he wanted to be normal with me.
read when he couldnt promise not to destroy me.
i smiled at how naive i was, or perhaps what i conveinitly chose to ignore.

reading it all- made me so uncomfortable.
there was a very fine line of if i was writing it all for myself
or because i knew he might read it.

words back then were alot more powerful then they seem to be today.

don't bite the apple eve

in the last few weeks i've lost about 7lbs
but where from is really the question
my love handles still look like they got alot of lovin' to give
my tummy still looks well fed
my thighs are still touching even if i move my feet apart.
beats me.

[01] Poison and Wine

you only know what i want you too
i know everything you don't want me too

hearts have been broken and hearts have grown
he's a part of my life almost everyday now

and sometimes i feel like i'm back at the beginning
while other days i feel like its a sprint to the finish line.
i haven't figured out where the race is taking me yet
some of the journey is familiar
while the other parts are still exciting and new.

dear blog,
i've missed you.

[ 87 ]

when it comes down to it,
i see myself as an amazing girlfriend but a terrible person

ps. am i so lame that i'm in love with beyonce's "halo" ?
ugh.

[ 86 ]

the bottles have been there for as long as i can remember. And yet i've never given them much thought, but the more i look at them, the more thought i've been giving them lately. from left to right, everyone tells a different story. the biggest one, which is no longer on the ledge was a present from his las girlfriend, the following several brown ones were drunken lonley nights spent in oakville before we were friends. they're dull and lifeless, probably much like the begning of the year. the next few we're all experiements, when i was in the picture. maybe trying to hard or maybe he was just seeking something different in his life all together. these are the clearn bottles, some with dimples, some 40's some 26'ers not one bottle alike. after this period, we hit the all vodka stage. 12 bottles, a sign of settling down? or giving up on needing something different? there's on that really catches my eye. the blue 40 of sky. the 4 of us drank this on my 19th birthday, a blurr of thumper, laughs and no cuddles. this bottle was a good night, but this bottle is also followed by bottles of routine that constantly repeated. there are no more expiermental bottles. no need to persue more bottles and maybe most importantly no more brown bottles

[ 85 ]

ever since i can remember i've always had alot of violent and morbid dreams. when i was younger, i would always have dreams that people were breaking into my house to come kill my entire family, and i would hide but i would always be found first. As i got older the dreams got worse. A couple years ago my dreams got so bad, i would wake up shaking and sweating. the most vivid of those dreams were the ones that i was posessed by the devil. in my dream i would feel it comming on and all of a sudden i would feel my body rising and watch everything happen. I haven't had one of these dreams in a year or two, but i've never forgoten them. Most recently, my re occuring dream is that out of no where i get light headed and dizzy and begin to get weak. i try and grab someone around me to tell them somethings not right, but they grasp what i' trying to say. i start to feel like i'm thinking and then everything goes back and i try to convince myself that i'm not dead.

they say if die in your dream before you wake up, you'll die in real life too.
although silly, i wonder if this could ever be true.

[ 84 ]

i was convinced my telepathy would work.
"just open your eyes, tell me i'm beautiful"
"just open your eyes, tell me i'm beautiful"
he looked but said nothing
i smiled
maybe i wasn't thinking hard enough

"look at me, really look at me, tell me i'm beautiful"

[ 83 ]

are you allowed to be mad at someone for something they did before you even knew them? but what if what you know- changes everything about today. are you allowed to resent them then?

[ 82 ]

and without telling me directly
you told me all i needed to know
the one who got away, will always be, the one who got away.
i'll always be short and stout and turn into my mom,
always cute but never hot enough.


i feel like the third wheel today
and it sucks.

[ 81]

when I first started writing this
I swear my intentions were well
and I`d start with maybe a memory or two
but then I saw you for the first time in a while
and awkward thoughts brought awkward smiles.

[ 80 ]

i am love sick with the machine gun blues

[ 79 ]

i'm surprised this week hasn't killed us yet. presentations, layout, media and a test.
fML
after tomorrow the week should be a bit better
karma has been on my side this week, but i'm really not looking forward to when that changes.
i got my gala dress today after class, it's cute and surprisingly not black.
not to mention a size 8 :) which i was pretty satisfied about.
other than that i'm tired and grumpy
and can't figure out why he's been mad at me all day
hmm

[ 78 ]

today i found out i have a layout project due tomorrow,
while already tomorrow includes
media at 9am, more layout at 11, and presentation at 1, followed by dress shopping alone, and my favourite company at night.

it's weeks like these that kill my motivation, to want to be anything better.
and the sinking feelings are in it's prime.

[ 78 ]

portfolio review, finally the stress is over.
after a long GO ride and a cab drive that didn't know where elm st was and didn't know the difference between and even and off number, i made it to the center on time and got my place at table 9. only after sitting on the wrong side of the table with the portfolio reviewers, not the student side (fml)
"before i look at your portfolio, i'm going to let you know i have graphic design history so i'm going to be brutal" ---great.
fortunantly for me, it was all positive feedback and critisim. "you're ideas are there and are great and funny and quirky but, you just need to work on your craft and typgraphy." was the general theme among the 3 reviewers.
but they gave me direction, goals, and everything i need to know in order to get an awesome job. i also ended up getting a fatty advertising book on all the award winning ads, graphic design, photography, student ads ect.

the problem was, i was working on what i thought they wanted to see, not what i wanted to do. i wanted to give them everything and not focus it in one direction. without going to that reiview, i can honestly say i don't think i would have ever gotten the internship i wanted, job i wanted or anything.

i don't say it often but i'm proud of myself for going, and doing what i need to do.
:)

[ 77 ]

i know my blogging has been lacking, but i've been so busy with this portfolio stuff. just when i thought i was done monday, my layout teacher suggested i change most layouts because i was falling into the pattern of one big visual, one big headline. so i took his advice for the most part (on short notice) and changed what i could when i could. in a bit, i'm going to T.O to have my portfolio reviewed by 3 creative experts. i'm so nervous but what's the worse they can say, your ads are shit wtf are you doing in advertising?
....yeah.

after tonight i just want to relax.
just sleep, actually sleep.
do nothing, watch tv.
and be taken out to a nice dinner.

i really didn't think i'd come out sane from all this in the last two weeks.
maybe i didn't.

[ 76 ]

everyday
i wake up
i choose love
i choose light
and i try
it's too easy just to fall apart.

[ 75 ]

and so i'm getting sick again for the third time in two months.
here we go again.

your waist line continues to shrink and mine is going no where.
it makes me think of her entries, wondering about if
"i'm the biggest he's ever been with."
or his comments
"you like sandwhiches? i've never dated a girl who likes them."

[ 74 ]

finished layout count: 1
to go: 19.

what the fuck did i get myself into.
at the same time, it feels so good. i don't need them, that i don't need to rely on anyone else for my success other than myself. i can be driven, independent and happy from my own actions. i don't need any one else's gratification, my own contentment will soon be enough. i told the two of them, foolishly, what i was so excitted for, and they could have cared less. whatever, i cared.

THSD was fucking amazing, as always.
(my ears are still ringing.)

[ 73 ]

i could not be more proud of myself then i am right now.
i have so much to do before april 1st.
this will seperate the boy and the girls.
i'm stressed but excitted.
DNALSNDAKLSDNLSA.
eee ♥

[ 72]

hypothetically today should be a good day
cute dress, moccasins and good weather.
now all i need is a certain cute boy to keep me laughing all day.

"did you know that blonde girl that reminds me of ashley is going out with that tall akward boy?"
"no but, it makes sense now. i bet their writing notes like this:
did you know that little hipster is going out with the pizza face in the plaid?"

lololing.
no one wants to go on a walk with me, so i guess i'll be gallavantaing alone.
ohwell, the weathers to nice to be inside.

[ 71 ]

with one message
she is control of everything.
i have no back up plan, no second choice.
am i even making the right decision?
or will i spend two months alone and regreting everything for the second time.

[ 70 ]

i still check his blog almost faithfully twice a week, hoping "my last day" wasn't the last thing he had written. unfortunatly, just like every other day, week, and month their were still no updates. still no new words to comfort me and make me smile. one day i'm sure he'll write again, today's just not that day.

my back hurts, my eyes are heavy and i have so many big decisions to make this week i can feel another anxiety attack comming on already.

[ 70 ]

and she hates
1. people who walk to slow and take up the entire hall way.
2. perma bitter betty's.
3. the way curry burns my tummy even a day after i eat it.
4. how my best friend said once i hit 20, i will have child bearing hips.
5. how i don't have that space inbetween my thighs and never will.
6. doing the dishes after every meal, every day.
7. my never ending back pain.
8. empty inbox's.
9. poppers in exsessive amount.
10. that FNWB ends at 11 followed by wife swap.

[ 69 ] no pun intended.

he told me to stop being a lap dog.
and there he was, going agaisnt everything he fucking told me the night before.
is there anyone who words aren't dripping with hipocritism.

and to think i almost wrote a blog last night on all the motivation you gave me. on how, i really needed to hear what you needed to say and how i was only hearing half the story.

jokes on me i guess.

[ 68 ]

i'm not sure if i like who i'm becomming.
i know where i want my life to be in 5 years.
but i have no clue where my life is now.

there's two tragedies in life.
not getting what you want
and getting it

[ 67 ]

he didn't believe me when i said he looked like joey fatone.

joey fatone.
ha.

[ 66 ]

today is the first day in a long time that the sinking feeling is no more. my heart feels full and secure, and i can see his does to.
we're laughing again.
smiling again.
being us again.

maybe she was right,
maybe it is passionate after all.
she's always right, i need to listen more.

[ 65 ]

ordering tickets.
thsd
march 14.

so fucking sick
this is what you call a good day.

[ 64 ]

it's hard being left behind. i wait for him, not always knowing where he is, wondering what is holding his interest this time. it's hard to be the one who stays. i keep myself busy. time goes faster that way. i go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. i take walks. i work until i'm tired. i watch the wind play with the trash that's been under the snow all winter. everything seems simple until you think about it. why is love intensified by absence? now i wait for him. he vanishes unwillingly, without warning. i wait for him. each moment that i wait feels like a year, an eternity. each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. through each moment i can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. why has he gone where i can not follow?

[ 63 ]

^{i'd pull my weight if it made any difference
now he's waiting in line for the last confession}

i always forget the quirks of my parents house untill i revist: how the upstairs dvd player never works for more than two hours, how the tv is abnormally small for the wall unit around it and how we never seem to have what i want to snack on.ps. did i mention how the remote's 0,3, 2 and 1 buttons arent working. (we only catch chanels: 06,09, 11, 13, 29, and 31) ugh.

yesterday i spent the greater portion of the day brainstorming ideas for my portfolio. while in T.O i found out my cousins husband is in touch with a few creative directors around the city :) so sick. (T.O was un eventful, i found my way into a 23+ club, where the people were lame and the drinks were over priced. the rest was spent lounging and shopping.)

the city seems to have his heart,
and yet he has mine.

[ 62 ]

on days like today, his old words comfort me.
my insides are still jumbled, and my mind is somewhere else.
and it went like this.

i know that i love you
i think you love me.
but when your thoughts
are evaluated,
certainty is no more
and we are tested.

you were never in jeopardy
but the best part of me.

i know that confusion
has come and gone
but the feelings
that endure, are here today

i know i love you
and i know that i want you
ill wait a few days
since you make me this way

i love you now
and i love you today
you are the one

[ 61 ]

1. a picture of you in your room.


2. a picture with someone you don't actually like.


3. a picture of you very drunk.


4. a picture of you on your birthday, or your favourite holiday.


5. the youngest picture you can find of yourself in digital form.


6. a picture of you in one of your favourite outfits.


7. a picture of you making a goofy face at the camera.


8. a picture you miiiiiight have edited to make yourself more attractive.


9. a picture of a night you regret...


10. a picture of you truly being yourself.


11. the most recent picture of you.


12. a picture of you being absolutely ridiculous.


13. a picture of you showing off a new haircut/color.


14. a picture of a time in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't.
if it's over. i'm glad it's over. next.

15. a picture of a time in your life that's over, and you couldn't be more thankful that it is.


16. a picture of you when you were anything but happy...


17. a picture of you that you had no idea was being taken.


18. a picture of you when you were a different person than you are now.


19. a picture of you with someone you love.


20. a picture of how you'd like the world to see you.


21. a picture that describes how you'd like to spend every day.


22. a picture of a time when everything was changing.


23. a picture that makes your heart hurt.


24. a picture that makes your heart smile.


25. A picture of one of the best nights of your life. (or day)

[ 60 ]

"are you seeing anyone renee?"
"mhm this boy from my class, for a few months"
"what do you like about him?"
"they way he makes me smile.."
"thats cute"
"he's cute, i told him i was going to marry him".

[ 59 ]

"last night i spelt with alphabet pretzles alone". .
the last three nights i often wonder how my relationship continues to find it's way on some new path. not the yellow brick road kind, the kind your taking to your cottage, thats always kinda sketchy and probably isn't even a road, it just looks like the middle of a hill opened up and people decided that theyd rather drive down the openind then detour for another 2 hours to get where they need to be. anyways the point of this entry isnt to describe the wilderness. the point of this entry is so straighten out my head. as usual, wednesday was a train wreck. only it was so much worse this time. the fight didnt end and i've never been talked to like that in my life. i felt heartbroken that someone, anyone could say to me what was said that afternoon. so i left. i was shaking, trembling, and i left. i couldn't get out of their faster. i didnt want to sit at home in my cold apartment so i went t my parents house, to relax. i turned off my phone so no one could be in my head. i didnt even want to be in my head at this point. i didnt talk to him for a day and a half. and when he finally saw me i didnt know if he wanted to kill me or hate me or would be glad to see me. they way it all then went down, i wasn't expecting. i wasn't expecting to be called crazy again, i was expecting to hear that he felt like our relationship was beccoming a hassle, i deffininty wasn't expecting to be shaking waiting for him to say lets break up. i said i was sorry that i worried him so much, but i needed me time. i'm sorry i didnt talk to you, i didnt talk to anyone, i just needed to get away. he said that he was going to toronto for 5 days almost imediatly after. with all the shaking ive done in the last week im surprised i don't have parkinsins already. i wondered if the next few months would be a ploy to try and hurt me the way i hurt him. i think thats what did it for me. the look in his eyes when he saw me. their was no love. no excittment, just cold, unwelcoming eyes. ever since i walked back in his apartment, he hasn't looked at me like he used to. he doesn't touch my skin the way he used to. he seem's disconnected, and kept reminding me that i wasn't the reason why he's been smiling these two weeks. another night, i fall asleep shaking. i've appoligized but it's not the same.
nothings the same.
so what am i supposed to do. i'm trying to be happy. all day i listened to him talk about his interviews, internships, and potential new life in toronto. its weird. at times like these you want your relationship to be its strongest when new people are entering your lives on a daily basis, when your growing up and moving away. and yet, i've never felt so insecure in mine. i'm so used to sleeping with him, smelling him, taking him in, rubbing is back. and i won't be seeing him for 6 days. i won't be kissing him or telling him that i love him. i'll wondering. not wether hes cheating, or wether hes actuallly working. i'll be wondering if he's thinking of me now and then, or if he misses me at all, and what he'll be missing most.
i want him to be successful, i want to marry best art director of toronto, and live in a huge apartment with a mini pony named samson and a bulldog. but even if i don't have that, i just want him. and i just want him to want me. i'm most worried about getting left behind and lost among the stress of it all.

i want to be the reason he smiles every morning.
but i also want him to be the reason i smile every morning.

[ 58 ]

i just wanted you to tell me you loved me. that you had missed me or even looked like you were excitted to see me. i just needed reassurance i was still the only one for you. but you didn't, you didn't notice my tears right beside you, the damp stain on your pillow or the wet marks on my cheeks when i was making your juice. i stayed up, just to talk to you, and as soon as you got home, you went back to him. i was excitted to tell you about my parents asking about you, and how my ads turned out, or how i got completly lost on the highway and missed my exit but managed to find my way.
but it's ok.
another day i suppose.
when the smiles are real and my cheeks are dry.
when your life has time for me and my stories again.

[ 57 ]

let's play a love game.

[ 56 ]

everything about today was familiar. the restaurant, the laughs, the usual conversation topics; "chase msgd me the other day, his ears are at 5/8ths now". we went back to his house, which was alot colder than i remembered but none the less patchie didn't have food or water, like usual , but was sketchily excitted to see me as usual. our friendship is weird now, tainted, and lost all high school innocence. but it was nice to get away from oakville bullshit, i could finally relax from my racing thoughts. or so i thought, like most saturdays i'm spending the night alone in my dundas bed. only, your not sleeping alone in yours tonight..

[ 55 ]

this weekend i am utterly fucked, my layouts are due at 1pm monday, and yet i sit at home in dundas, with no intentions of going to the mac lab atleast until sunday night. 19 years, and my time management skills continue to decline exponetially (while my trust issues continue to increase.) i have been deemed by some, a reason for potential failure. that i am making life to hard, and of course i'm the one being selfish. i, on the other hand. don't seem to see eye to eye on this issue. i see my self, as the contrary, being extremly selfless. i'm trying to pick my battles, but every day it's the same one. and it will be, for as long as we are. and for some, their two picks for future business partners, are well, less than favourable? one tried to fuck me in a closet and the other i'm sure has more than a few things in common with 7/11. the first being that her mouth and legs never close.
but atlast, this will be the last time i bring this up, because we will never see eye to eye on this one.
i will never put being unhappy over being successful.
that's for damn sure.

[ 54 ]

i don't want to know.
even though i know.
guess i know.
i just hate how it sounds.

[ 53 ]

he gave me a painting he painted.
i cooked curry and rice (which was phe nom en al )
he cooked rizoto (samesies)
with apple toaster struddle for desert.
we were cute.
i felt in love.
i could get used to this whole vday thing.

[ 52]

in my life, (and by life i mean more so relationships) history always seem to have a way of repeating it's self. of course, at the time, one repeated event doesn't seem to be history repeating. but soon enough, the patterns always show up. however they always seem to be reversed. the most recent occurence just happened 20 minutes ago. My last relationship ended for several reasons, but really came down to me moving away, starting a new life, and wanting to meet and expierence new people. i didn't see it as being a problem, i just saw it as i'm growing up and doing what i need to do to make sure i get ahead. if you don't look out for yourself it's not like anyone else is going to. Anyways, when i told my then boyfriend about moving away, he didn't see it as, good for you. he saw it as, what about me? what about us? are we not important enough to get through this? fast forward my life a little over a year later and i'm now wondering what about us? what about my new relationship. he just applied for an internship in toronto, and has intentions to move to toronto i would suspect in april. that means a long distance relationship, new people and new feelings. i know how his last long distance relationship worked, and i'm not going to be destroyed like that. not to be pesimistic, but, today i watched his eyes wander to check out countless girls and i'm in the chair beside him. or wednesday, the disregard of my feelings for networking? i'm all up for networking, and keeping people close, but when i walk in and shes laying in his nook, it destroyed me inside. it destroyed me watching him do nothing to the point i had to grab school work and study for a test because watching them together was to much. so what happens when he's in toronto and does nothing again, and just let's it all happen. so now what? what happens in two months? am i just waiting around to get my heart broken?
so much for romance and vday blogginig.

[ 51 ]

looking at those pictures made me happy.
i have a love hate relationship with pizza pockets.
so good but really, there always way to hot to ever enjoy.
i'm not to sure about these bangs.

[ 50 ]

drunks, lovers, sinners and saints.