I am paid to spill my guts

i did it. i am offically moved in. our apartment only gives me the heebee jeebes at night, in the day time our house is phenom. i feel so achomplished. we painted the house, did the designs, moved ourself, i helped my faja build my bed and desk while i built my dresser by myself (with occasional assistance from when i built the drawers backwards LOL.) and placed all our homey knickknacks here and there. it's cute. who knew i had it in me. i'm quite satisfied. i've accepted the change from moving, it's the change that may come with it i'm still nervous about, or the people.

so my first offical night in oakville last night i went to a "party" in the apts. becuase 2 weeks wasn't enough i thought id taunt myself being exactly a floor under. the "party" consisted of 10 people, 2.5 of which were the only dece ones there, kgb being one of them. this other dece person, said something to me, and caught me completely off guard

" i thought you were this really nice girl, i was actually super disapointed in you, when she told me."
ouch-- they continued "don't you feel bad?"
lying to myself obviously i said "no"
"you should, you deserve better than that."
lying again "it's not like that"


you can't keep a secret if it never was a secret to start, right?

The ship of fools I'm on will sink.

" You have six smiles. Did you know that?"

"what?"

"one when something really makes you laugh. and one when you're just laughing out of politeness. one when you're making plans and one when you're making fun of yourself. one when you're uncomfortable and one when you're talking about your friends."

---------------------
in other news, i'm packed and ready to be domestic al tomorrow morning. stage 3 of oakvilian status will commence at 8am tomorrow morning. i have so much news and excittment, and can't wait for monday for a certain someone :) and hopefully they can't wait either.
true story.

it's all be done and its all been said

rocket popsicle fish bowls = ♥

long tipsy talks of life are probably what ive missed and craved most over the break. atlast- my week was some what fufilled. i havent had a night where my face hurt from smiling in a while. much appreciated and deserved.
i finally feel like the old little renee again, happy, giggly, caught up on gossip and knowing way to much of all the wrong peoples business. :)
tomorrow is step 2 in the final 3 of moving in, groceries and clothes galore drop off. step 3 comes friday, building the rest of my furniture. by sunday i shall offically be an oakvillian, and will still have the luxury of my car untill sept 12.

dear readers i'm looking for;
a somewhat drunken night, skins, laughs and chats and to be thrown around to mgmt.or. versus the mirror.
preferrably versus the mirror. mmm
surprise me.
cause i'm sure gonna surprise you.

suspended like spirits over speeding cars

girls night details were enough to make me feel sick to my stomach, the entire story was unraveled tonight, the actual truth came out-- who actually has your best intentions.


"Here you stand seething with guilt, Silence only justifies this act of cowardice. With a short story, the one you add to daily, you are the tragic loss. No story book ending for this fairy tale of you."

sunday best and broken glass

i almost knew id be doing it to myself
slipping into the softest a&f sweater of my life
i still hadnt washed it since last time i wore it, therefore naturally smelling like a mix of my old perfume, you and your stupid sheets.
and i was doing so well trying to keep busy too.
ugh.

my house is offically painted and looks phenom.
my vomit streaky room is only slightly akward, it actually feels like our home now, not just some crack house were squatting. all thats left is to move my bedroom furniture up tuesday, build my desk, and figure out wtf is going on with our "dinning room" table.

today's T.O
heres the outfit choice
high pencil skirt, white top, belt.


:) grown up renee. ->


i hate this.
i miss the little things
i havent said " you would", "stop smiling" or "green screen" in like a week.
diwuddg ehdhqudhidhiu adhidhihdaiuhdaiuhdad. :(

bodies washed up 30 miles west

do you think about me now and then?

this weekend
1. moving into my crackhouse apartment
(painting/ cleaning/ decorating..ect)
2. hess saturday
3. T.O sunday


wish me luck.
hopefully a little trouble finds it's self my way.

ps. last night i hit a bird.. LOL
who the fuck runs over a bird other than me.
renee moments ahahaha.
smileing.

love and repay debts

i think i've read your blog entry a million times, "i was in his safety, and you weren't", only you got to leave, i'm stuck here, i hate this town, theres nothing here for me anymore. i envy you. i want to leave in the worst way possible but- things dont look so good from that end.
ugh.

my sleep pattern is all fucked up. my daily routines are no longer. it's only wednesday night and im beyond bored. i've achomplished nothing on my to do list, realizing i need to stop feeling sorry for myself and start get inspired to do something, anything at this point.

i don't feel bitter anymore, more like, sad. the saddest kind of sad when sad tries not to be sad. You know, when sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and go, "no, I'm happy for you?" That's when it's really sad.

Thomas ask to see my hands

"it's not like i think about you constantly, so maybe i do"
today i got the full story; what happend on the car ride home, what was said, who was the bigger idiot. not only that, i also heard the best description of a kiss, that almost made up for the fucked up events.
"hes such a brutal kisser, it was like his tounge was a penis, he kept trying to jerk it off in my mouth"
LMAO. oh some people.

last night i finally got decent, deep sleep. however i was rattled with what to do with the entire 8/8ths of my bed.. 2 weeks here we go.

hopefully i can keep as occupied as possible for the next 13 days.

TODO:
1. pay fees
2. paint room
3. JL painting
4. move bedroom furnature to apt.
5. finish moving in.
6. go to hess
7. buy new atire/ plugs
8. tan tan tan tan.

uggh thats it?
at this rate im going to be bored by saturday.
fuck my life.
ps. canada deffinitly got a gold in dragon boating last night ;)

It was a quarter past four, in the morning

some people never seize to amaze me, and not necessarily always in a good way.
the concerned friend, the wise friend to calm me down, the friend who i always dimissed and tried to ignore and the friend who i needed most and wasn't there.
then there were the ones that dont understand no.
that were selfish and disregarded my feelings and made me feel the worst i have felt in a really long time.

and then there was you, without a question in your mind you were there for me, no hidden motives, only my best interest in mind. reassuring it wasn't my fault, that you were sorry, and that you should have done more. when really everything you did was what i needed, my most vounerable moment, and maybe yours. i'm sorry you had to see me like that.

all last night i felt completly alone, although clearly i wasn't, but close just wasn't close enough. i couldn't sleep, all i could do was think. this morning i didnt want to get out of bed, i didnt want conversation, i just wanted to lay there and feel like i know the person next to me actually cares for a brief moment

this is the end

why has no one told me how phenomenal lulu lemon pants are.
as soon as i tried them on i knew id be dropping a ridiculous amount of money for over priced yoga wear.
i was so comfy today. ugh, you dont even know.

so tomorrow is my last day of my first year in college.
how does that saying go? nights i can't remember with friends i'll never forget?
something like that.

HT: being the quite girl who no one would talk to, making friends, laughs, murky vodkacrans, crush confessions, half moves, going to the gym all of 3 times, a&r break chats, vag lockdown, mexican mistakes, bedazzled shirts, momento, lost hope for DT, "UHH THANKS", late night phone conversation about a commong man crush, still getting nervous, being trash in bathrooms, girl chats, i've never, i really like it when, thumper, cigars, brand new/jesse lacy/ "were so CCCCCcontroversial", falling fast- falling out- falling again, 9am incidents with no guidance, certain towels, twister, BAK night in TO, fish bowls, " i'm not saying i would but, i definitly would.", pictionaryx2, mac labs, picking the wrong bathroom and the tuesday night drinking crew.

:)
im s t o k e d for tomorrow night.
fucck i'm gonna be quite the phenomenal tennis hoe.

You seep in the windows and vents

"You seep in the windows and vents, And I lay here in the grass and I lose your sent, If god gave me grace than way aren't I graceful? My joints are frozen cold and old, They worked out all the bugs, If we have enough money you can buy love, You work out the perceptions in me, I sing, sing, sing, these ten most deadly things"



oh BN, you know me to well.



i hope you never feel you have to lie to me.

she fakes a smile and presses her hips into his

holy fuck.
anything a 19 year old should achomplish, i achomplished it all last night.
from what i remember and what i've been told it sounds like i had a phenomenal night
i danced and drank my little heart out, met a slur of randos and had 3 amaze friends help my stumbling sick ass get 'home'.
this morning i was rattled about the entirety of last nigh but appreciated the blur of the events more then if i could have remembered them anyways.

topLOLs.
1. "his finger was fucked up, he kept licking it to and opening beer bottles, i noticed, but i drank anyways"
2. " he bought me a drink...i spilt my driiiinnnk.. i know renee, it's pouring down my leg."
3. "he was dancing with you, so i tapped his head and shook my finger no."
4. " where was it? i'll ask the brown guy, THE BROWN GUY WILL KNOW."
5. "so your name is really renalidi?" hahaha.
6. " what are nipple covers for?" "..for when a womans nipples are errect."
7. " it looks like i have fullsies...what?.. it looks like i have saucers for nipples."

♥

wrong words will strand you

one night to be confused
one night to speed up truth
we had a promise made
4 hands and then away
both under influence.
to know what to say
mind is a razorblade.

i havent written in a few days
i've been working on living life-- instead of writing about it. if only my life was that excitting.

this week i moved our living room furnature in, next week will probably be painting my bedroom and moving that shit in.
it's finally setting in that i'm going to have my own place, i'm stoked and scared all at the same time. stoked for the best year, but scared that the best year will turn into a friendless one spending every night alone. that the friendships i made are only until something better comes along, you know? it's weird how you get to know people in 8 months and it feels lke you've known them for forever, in a good way.

nothing spectacular has happend during the week of being 19. i discovered my love for vodkacran fishbowls that i should never partake in kareokee... ever. that i can't walk in 5 inch heels but still onsist on doing it and
that i still remain the most akward-clumsy girl ever

next week i'm going to start painting.
i havent had something to make me want to paint in like a year.
im kinda excitted.

we'll see where this weekend takes me.
probably up to no good.

a crown of gold

19. offically.
almost 20. ugh
& it goes like this

take 1.:
1. wtf
2.? <-
3. observations
4. analysis.
5. conclu....
"HYPTHOSIES."

take 2: .../....
"TIP DRILL"

take 3.
"LLAMA"

so basically drunken pictionary is the best game of my life.
friday was spent slaving bleaching, scrubbing, dusting, moping, eatting dinner on the dining room floor ontop of a laundry happer and sitting on plastic bags, smoking a little to much weed and inhaling to many fumes... then k/o-ing on the ground.saturday consisted of painting, painting, painting, drinking drinking, pictionary, laughing, driking drinking, being bummed. sunday was stumbling home from otown, bday dinner with the family and other odds and ends.
and today is FUCK i need to do layout and shit for my presentation.. and get more together for my house.

i dont really feel different being 19, kinda like, holy fuck i'm almost 20, what have i done with my life.
next birthday i'll be spirling into depression..
a n y w h o o o.
i have an emo entry comming up, i just dont have time to type alot right now.
stay posted.