[ 28 ]

and so the lion fell in love with the lamb, what a stupid lamb, what a sick masochistic lion

i've found myself in oakville the last three days. laughing, smiling, and realizing how much i actually missed him.
last night, he took me on a mystery date. him? planning a date? paying? i was pretty baffled. but happy, and excitted none the less. first stop: we went to a little sushi place, (that ended up to be the best sushi of my life.) clearly i struggled with the chopsticks and made a mess. he really can't take me anywhere. after din we ended up at the movies, to see twlight. i would have been skeptical- i'm really not into the whole vampire thing, but he saw it in san diego, and said it reminded him of us. which intrigued me. after 20 minutes of watching, i saw it too. although edward was a little more dreamy, and bella had better hair was more shy and a little but more akward (and there was that whole vampire issue.) edward had a terrible habit of always saving her life. he was bad news and warned her.."i trust you".."don't." / "i've waited my whole life for a girl like you-- you're different"/i feel like they read my blogs to make half of the dialouge. my night was simple, but i felt so content.

and then he whispered
i love you
your my life now.

[ 27]

note to self;

i miss you terribly

and of the middle of boxing day throwdown hour:

"your earings are sick, where'd you get them?"
"adrenaline, in toronto.. they're spacers"
"wtf they're spacers?! You dont seem like the type of girl to strech her ears!"
"no?"
"well if you were to stretch your ears.."
"i would be the girl to put diamonds in them?"
"yea"

what the hell does that mean.
ugh.

[ 26 ]

Let'smakehistorystop


<- thats kitty :)♥
her face is flat but i still love her.

tomorrow i'm venturing to the malls; 15$ cardigans and 100$ leather boots? say no more.
there will be bloodshed.

two sleeps.
only two sleeps.
eeeee.

[ 25]

i couldnt really sleep last night, i'm almost 20
and i still get excitted over santa.
christmas has come and gone and will be officially over in 2 hours. i didn't need anything really, but i got everything i could have wanted and then some. (except for him.)
as phenomenal as the gifts were, as good as the food as, as much fun as i had with my family, it wasn't complete in my mind.
no matter how occupied i was, or what gift i was fiddling with, in the end it all came down to a lack of his presence.

it's weird how used to you get to people. i found myself using phrases like " i feeel like" and repeating the last words of my sentence twice to often today. of course no one really caught on, but i noticed. and every time i noticed, id start to smile and then they would notice. say something funny renee. so i did, all day, i made them laugh so they weren't distracted by my smile.

within the smiles, it still seemed oddly somber. one of my aunt/uncle/cousins showed up who initially weren't comming. my uncle has cancer and although it was getting better, it' gotten alot worse, and is going to continue to go that way, or so they say. he was quiet, but polite, and tried to make akward eyecontact as less akward as possible. it was a different kind of sadness, not out right, but sadness in that he was now appreciating everything. his wife; his son; our family. he took it all in from the way he looked at us to the stupid christmas hats we wore. his smiles remained sincere, as did his hugs.
i suppose it's more important to live, than live forever.


i think i ate enough food today to feed 10 afircan countries...for a year.
good thing my new pjs bottoms are stretch :)
thats so key.

[ 24 ]

if you go into burlington coat factory with 645 dollars, you are treated like a king.
A KING

i could have been asleep hours ago.
but like most nights, it's restless anyways.
i'm becomming quite good at finding mindless ways to occupy me, until i can't keep my eyes open anymore and my body is forced to sleep.
tonight, it was more MTV true life, i really dont know how i was living life without this show. this episode was a look at 3 people "i'm happy to be fat", shawradna who claims she wasn't happy and had no cofidence untill she reached 340pounds. roxie, a plump drama student who after contimplating suicide, decided she was happy with her body and spent the epsiode lusting after one of her classmates who couldn't have been any less interested. And then there was the guy, who i can't recall his name, but saying he was over 600lbs would not be exaggerating. he wanted nothing more than a long term relationship rather than being objectified as a sexual object, his solution? starting a chubbychaser organization in his home town. fat and happy really? could this be possible? the one girls thigh was probably 10inches bigger than my waist, and she's more confident than me? ohwait, it was probably her ginourmus 40DD's. goodcall renee, goodcall.

after MTV was youtube familyfued worst game show answers. and news bloopers
"name what month you start to begin showing your pregnant" "september."
"and up next a man who climbed mount everest, but there's a twist--he's gay!"..."i mean blind, i don't know where gay came from.."

annnd then shortly after i made my way to watching the office. toby comes back and michael and dwight device a plan to frame him so they buy pot for 500$ and hide it in toby's desk and call the cops. lolol.
"when toby came back, i felt like neve campbell in scream 2. she thinks she's happy and goes back to college, but then when she gets back the murderer is there. it's just mean."

tired, but laughing.
i really hope i dont have to blog about my late night tv escapades for to much longer.
ugh.
no texts, guess i'm off to sleep.

[ 23 ]

i feel like i never realized how scared i am to be alone until this moment that i never realized how dependent i had become on him, on his love. until this moment. and for that one moment you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time.



i need you so much closer.

[ 22 ]

my heart was pounding again and my head was spinning.
where are you?
i just needed to hear your voice.
just for a second.
i just needed to calm down.

abercrombie and poppers? no.
fine, i'll check mtv
double shot at love, no.
that's amore, no.
my true life- yes.
3 young adults and their struggle with the porn industry. YES.
hmm, guy one. "i do gay porn but i'm not gay, sucking guys is my job. it's like working at mc dondalds, just because you flip burgers at work doesnt mean you flip them at home?"
worst metaphor of my life, he looked like a fag anyways.
girl two, "no one wants to date me because im in the porn industry, well i just help produce, i don't star in it." so she goes sped dating to show her true colours right away, so men will be more receptive, it all leads to instant rejection. "this always happens" she says to the camera man who really is giving us more tit shots than face ones. it probably always happens because she has bright pink hair and a face only a mother could love.
---this show was going downhill.
girl three, a sex radioshow host that talks about her sexcapades, a self proclaimed nympho, whos co-host feels the show will suffer now that she is in a monogmus relationship. heart warming really.
out of everything i chose this?
whatever.

i guess i fell asleep as it's morning now.
apple cinamon cherrios with banana.
oh good, jonas brother rerun with ellen.
fuck the straight hair one is hot.
how old is he 16?17?
give me 2 minutes, and that promise ring is done.

[ 21]

Maybe im alone in all of this or maybe, its something, that we just missed. throw another four letter smile out.

Has someone ever told you they would be with you forever?
yep

Do you sleep with your door open or closed?
almost all the way closed

What did you do last night?
fucking nothing

Is it okay for girls to kiss other girls?
go for it.

Do you know any mechanical stuff about cars?
lol no way.

What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
i made a pretty good sandwhich

How many true friends do you have that you can tell anything to?
three.

What's on your bedroom floor right now?
a carpet.

Are you close with your mother?
pretty close

How many kids do you want?
no thanks

What was the first thing you thought this morning?
ugh, still no nightly 2:30 txt.

Do you still talk to the first person you kissed?
definintly not. not since i was 13.

Are you Irish in any way?
no way.

German?
nope

Are you happy right now?
i'm kinda bitter today

Ever talked to someone that was drunk?
every thursday night

What was the last beverage someone spilled on you?
i spilled it on myself and it came from my mouth, stupid vodka.

Do you like piercings?
♥

Do you smoke weed regularly?
lol define regularly

Would you ever want to swim with the sharks?
if i had all prosthetic limbs anyway

Did you speak to your father today?
yes.

How did you wake up this morning?
i heard my dad snow blowing.

Do you hate the last boy you were talking to?
not even close :)

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking pot?
i guess i could but why would i want to?

Honestly, do you like anybody?
ugh to much.

Do you regret anything from your past?
nah, you live and you learn

Have you ever been to Hooters?
no i have not. but i think someone should take me.

Does anyone call your home phone for you anymore?
not really

What do you want for your next birthday?
the drill

What does the newest text message in your inbox say?
"im at work."

What was the last song you sang out loud?
untouched, what a terrible plan.

Do you have any sisters?
not a one.

What time did you go to bed last night?
one ish

Are you currently happy?
so so happy.

When was the last time you cried?
ugghhhum dec18.

Is anything bugging you right now?
you learn to pick your battles

What was the last thing to make you laugh?
" i didnt say you looked hot, i said your hat looked not unisex"

Do you wear toe socks?
to much effort.

Who is the last person you got missed a call from?
B.

Would you kill someone you hate for a billion dollars?
id do it for a million.

Do you own an iPod?
one from the prehistoric ages.

Who was the last person you saw in person?
my mom

Have you changed this year?
this question is stupid, all we do is change.

What are you listening to right now?
sleep- azure ray.
"i can't sleeep, i can't speak to you."

Are you talking to anyone while doing this?
nope

Do you walk with your eyes open or closed?
wtf? open obviously

Is there a quote you live by?
live to lust, lust to live.

Do you want someone/something you can't have?
isn't that always the case?

Have you ever played an instrument?
trumpet in grade 7/8
guitar half ass grade 12-now.

Whats the worst idea you've had this week?
"should i txt him? no."

What were you doing last night at 11?
watching bad boys.

Do you speak any other languages?
no

Are you a blonde?
i was born one

What are you doing tomorrow?
the same thing as today, nothing.

Who's number one on your top friends?
top friends are lame.

Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
always. doctors apts make me more nevous then he does.

Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
once or twice

What color shirt were you wearing during your last kiss?
a red american apparel hoodie :)

When was the last time you were in bed with somebody of the opposite sex?
too long ago.

Would you rather go to a party or go out of town?
go to a party.

What were you doing this morning at 9:30?
sleeping

What movie did you see last in theaters?
nick and noras infinte playlist <3

What color hoodie did you wear last?
purple american apparel

Are you crushing on someone?
always :)

Do you want to get married?
he just has to pick a date. lolol.

Do you sleep on your stomach?
no, i sleep on his.

Who was the last person that made you cry?
second letter of the alphabet.

Are you ticklish?
ugh. oui.

Are you missing someone?
7 sleeps. .

Anything you want to tell someone?
"soon, soon."

Are you someone's best friend?
i'd really hope so

Anything you're giving up on?
not yet

Who was the last person you gave your number to?
hahaha "gregoir"? or so my phone said. he tried to pick me up at halloween pub.

Have you lost friends in the past year?
i'm always losing friends

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
some are.
mine is.

Ever been to new york?
yes and i never wanted to leave

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
i know i have

When was the last time you went clothes shopping?
yesterday, i'm bought a bunch of grown up clothes.

When was the last time you were told you were cute?
uhm, today. "my mom thinks your cute."

Can you sleep without blankets covering you?
sometimes i wake up that way so i guess so.

Have you ever cut your own hair?
never

Have you ever put metal in your mouth?
not like dirty money or anything

Have you ever slept in a bed with the same sex?
lolol all ten of us.

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
if he doesnt kiss me it will be.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
i'd like to think i am.

What are you listening to?
right now- akon

Have you ever been punched by the opposite sex?
lol yes

Do you believe ex's can be friends?
depends on the breakup.

What is the last thing you did before you went to sleep last night?
checked my phone

Have you ever made plans with somebody and ended up ditching them?
i'm brutal for that. haha but i'm getting better

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
no

Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
yeee, and still do.

Are you a forgiving person?
i'm a forgive-r but not a forget-ter

Are your parents over the age of 40?
yeye


What is your favorite kind of weather?
fall. leaves changing and pumpkin flavoured shit everywhere.

Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
yes

Are you wearing any jewelry?
nope. just piercings

Is there anyone that you wish was out of your life?
lol sort of. sorry haha i'm not really sorry.


Do you know a lot about cars?
i like em shiny

How has this week been?
so far pretty shitty.

Are you mean?
a little, i wont lie.

Describe your relationship status?
♥

Do you like yourself?
sometimes to much

Do you wish on 11:11?
if i remember

Are you a bad influence?
the worst kind.

[ 20 ]

I've tried telephones and old typewriters
words of love along the wires
But nothing is working tonight
TO DO:
1. finish paintings x2.
2. think thin.
3. loose IIII IIII IIII ugh.
4. learn how to skate.
5. be kissed in the rain.
6. find a kiss to make me cry.
7. fix guitar strings
8. finish rib tattoo
9. clean apt.
10. stop thinking of him.

"yo, what you doing for new years?"
"well, at this rate, sitting alone in my closet in my new years dress."

[ 19 ]

my head hurts. and my eyes are sore for looking at the screen all day. im rattled about the smiles he stil manages to provide. i would love for you to surprise me later.and now she sleeps.

[ 18 ]

bliss   [blis]
–noun
1. supreme happiness; utter joy or contentment
2. Theology. the joy of heaven.
3. heaven; paradise: the road to eternal bliss.

tonight i ate my entire bowl of pad thai with chopsticks.
just saying, i'm pretty proud.

7 days till santa.
1o sleeps until he's back.
i was scared the feeling would start to fade, and then i heard his voice.
i now wait to seek comfort in the words: day three, is ending.

[ 17 ]

my bed seemed colder than normal, and my room uninviting. i shut the blinds as tight as they would go, it looked bitter out anyways. i wrapped myself up tight in my blankets, sleep will make the days go faster. i don't know what to do with myself when your not here. it's early night, and already half asleep i reached over to the side i usually find you on, to grab your hand, hoping i was really in your sheets and not mine. that you had got up to put a sweater on and you'd be back in a minute or perhaps that you couldn't sleep either and were already akwake. i grabed a handful of sheets instead and pulled my pillow closer to me, not for the warmth but for the comfort you used to make me feel. i checked my phone, hopeful that maybe the vibrations were muffled by the sounds of me tossing and turning or that i had fallen aseep. but it was no different than all day. i will continue to wonder when your thinking of me, or if you even are at all and try to assure myself that the sinking will stop sooner then later. that youll be back before i know it, that i'm still the last thing on your mind before you fall asleep and that you won't forget what my hands feel like.

[ 16 ]

"he chose her over you, but i chose you."
actually, i chose you over him
and you only chose me when you thought he was going to.
if were being technical.
so i suppose i owe him some thanks for speeding up the process.

you said that she said she'd never seen you so happy. i agreed when i saw the smile you tried to hide, looking down and your eyes shy like you had never been my lover.

your miles above the earth,
and i'm wondering if i'm still on your mind.

[ 15 ]

"Make a playlist for your life."
1. Opening Credits: Lux Aeterna- Clint Mansell
2.Waking Up Scene: Us- Regina Spektor
3.Getting Ready Scene: Untouched- The Veronicas
4.Car Driving Scene: Time to Pretend - MGMT
5.High School Flashback Scene: Your English is Good- Tokyo Police Club
6.Nostalgic Scene: Title and Registration - Death Cab For Cutie
7.Angry Scene : Smile in Your Sleep- Silverstien
8.Agony, Painful Scene: Like Knives- City and Colour
9.Break-up Scene: New York I Love You- LCD soundsystem
10.Sad, Breakdown Scene: The Boy Who Blocked his own Shot- Brand New
11.Nightclub/Dance Scene: Alice Practice- Crystal Castles
12.Buddy/Sidekick Scene: Brand New Colony- The Postal Service
13.Dreaming of Someone Scene: Seaglopur- Sigur Ros
14.Contemplation Scene: Hit The Wall -Brendan Canning
15.Love Scene: Colourblind- Counting Crows
16.Kissing Scene: 1000 times a day- The Early Novemeber
17.Relaxing Scene: Day N Nite- Kid Cudi
18.Action/Fight Scene: The One Armed Boxer Vs The Flying Guillotine- FFTL
19.Victory Scene: Sleepyhead- Passion Pit
20. Closing Credits: O Fortuna- Therion

[ 14 ]

i believe strongly in it's the little thing that counts . it's when people do the little things, it make you really appreciate them.
it's the notes saying i missed you or the random letters in the mail just to make you smile. its bringing a bag full of goodies to there house to make them feel better when there feeling quite ill. and sometimes watching a movie they want even though you dont want to. it's when you rub there back even though youd give nothing more than to have yours rubbed, or when you fall asleep in the most uncomfortable position, just so you can be with them, even when your sleeping. it's the kisses when your half asleep in the middle of the night, on the forehead and on the cheek that cause you to both mmm, and then go back to bed.

these little things make you want to be completley unselfish, because seeing that other person happy is worth more than waking up with an arm thats asleep from sleeping in the worst position of your life.

right now i'm watching santa clause,
and trying to plan out how im going to keep busy the next few weeks.
9 days till santa/ 12 days till he's back
which leaves: 288 hours to go crazy.

[ 13 ]

"day and night, the lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night.
He’s all alone, some things will never change."

thursday i spent the early portions of night hopeful of what last pub of the sems would bring my way. i looked pretty cute and had an endless supply of vodka. seemed like a good idea at the time.
"renee, dont have another drink, because your gonna get sick and i'm gonna have to clean it up."
"..sfkslfm im finnneeee..."
by 10:30 i spilled my guts all over his closet floor.

friday morning i've never felt so shitty.
the sheets i was tangled in didnt matter. i was more concerned with the abuse i put the american apparel bag through the night before and what was still to come.

however, later that night the sheets i was tangled up in, did matter.
the laughs i needed i got; and the hugs i wanted to make me feel better were in endless supply, just like my vodka the night before.

"love you"
"...yeah"
apparently a different kind of hangover was intended for saturday.

[ 12 ]

"ugh it looks like our gingerbread house is from new orleans"

next year i'm going with the gingerbread train kit instead.
lolol.

Its not that he makes me laugh, it's how he makes me laugh.
And it's not that i make him smile, it's how i make him smile.
it's laughs that turn silent when only little gasps of air escape
and smiles that aren't made by lips but through eyes.



♥
she's never fallen so hard.

[ 11 ]

so last night i finally cheered up, the sinking feeling stopped and smiles appeared, "i think you're gorgeous renee." i miss staying up and talking until 5am but at the same time gay chats and falling asleep with a smile is a fine trade off.
he makes me so happy.

anyways, what a terrible winter day; rain, slush and empty apartments to come home to. i saw my final mark for interactive today, pretty sub par but im sure nothing as bad as what my media mark is going to look like. is it because im on my own and im not trying as hard or because 2nd year is actually hard. i think the jury is still out on this one. or could it be my vag not being on lockdown and me actually having to do work the issue- an interesting argument im sure. in other news i'd be lying if i said im still not upset about the way both shot of loves turned out though. poor tila. <3

no fancy words or paragraphs today, i can't tell you something you already know.
sushi, studying, and sleeping in store for tonight.
hopefully with some company.

"What do you do when he stops loving you?"
"Well, you cry a little...then you wait for the sun to come up. It always does."

[ 10 ]

those stupid sheets, my vice. in those sheets i feel most comfortable, they make me want to say everything on my mind. they make me want to tell you how i've never been so hurt by you a few months earlier and at the same time tell you how much i care for you now. these sheets make me wonder if anyone else has been tangled up in them, like i'm tangled up in you, and then im reminded of how everything started- don't be so naive renee. but i can't help it, the sheets make me naive. i become exposed, vunerable and helpless in these sheets. i've fallen for every last word you told me in them, i've cried in these sheets, laughed in these sheets, smiled in these sheets and woke up with none of these sheets on me. they make me want to feel you grabbing me, arching my back and feel your skin stretched over your bones. when im not in these sheets, it makes me uneasy and on edge.




somebody like you can really make things all right for me.

[ 0 9 ]

we were walking there
and i had tangles in my hair
but you make me feel so pretty.

Hello, my name is?
ren nay

What's going on between you and the last person you kissed?
♥

What was your worst mistake in your life?
lol there have been some doozies.

Would you get back with your last ex if they asked you?
he's always asking, no dice.

You're walking down the street with your love, where are you going?
to american apparel

What's something you really want right now, be honest
cuddles and to be watching a shot of love

Three feelings at the moment?
happy
scared
tired

Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
this morning at 8am.

Does anything hurt on your body?
my back..kinda.

Who was the last person to disappoint you?
myself.

Do you still talk to that person?
lolol

What are you listening to right now?
Say all i need; one republic

Have you ever punched a hole in the wall?
no sir.

Do you know someone in jail?
uh, i don't think so.

Where were you at 2:00 this morning?
on the wrong side of the bed

Where's the weirdest place you've changed clothes?
a portapotty? gross.

Who are you in love with?
ugh.

What's the cd in your player?
basically fifa 08 mix. hahah

Anywhere you'd rather be right now?
yeah, anywhere besides otown

Are you going anywhere for the next summer?
negative.

Do you have plans today?
naps, movie watching, sleeping.

Are you waiting for anyone's call right now?
no, but hopeful.

Will you call them if they don't call?
probably not

Who are your last two texts from?
oh- you mean my last two mass txts?--LAME

Whats your current favorite color?
yellow

Have you trespassed?
not recently. .

Do you put ketchup on top of your french fries or on the side?
on the side

Ever had a near death experience?
no, but my car accident was scary

something you do alot?
smile

Do you want to see somebody right now?
:)

Would you ever take one of your ex's back?
not if nothing has changed, you know.

What did you do Friday night?
last friday? went to kylas party.

Whats your favorite smell?
abercrombie&poppers.

Do you like to sleep?
when i actually get some

Have you ever been kissed in the rain?
no

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night?
not even close

Are you close with your mother?
pretty tight

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
daily

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with P?
HA

What are you thinking about right now?
him

Do you have any bruises?
nope

Are your parents over the age of 40?
yep.

What are you looking forward to in the next 5 days?
no school for 3 days.
gay sleep overs
almost being done school this week

Do you like hugs?
depends.

Do you live near your best friend?
one of them

Is there anybody that you trust 100%?
foolishly

Are you satisfied with your life right now?
i feel like my life is pretty phenomenal right now

Whats some bad news you received lately?
no pants at lulu lemon..ugh

What did you do last night?
ate a blizzrd, had a fashion show, cleaned, laughed all night.

What color is the nail polish on your nails?
red

What color is your bedspread?
grey/pink

Do you miss anybody right now?
yes

Are you in a fight with a friend right now?
no.

Does love frighten you?
loves gross :)

Are you wearing makeup?
barely, i still look like a mess

Will you leave the house without makeup on?
yeaauh im lazy.

Have you ever fallen for your best friend's guy?
lolol no.

Can you walk into a room full of strangers and maintain your confidence?
depends if there ugly or not.

Are you getting back together with your exboyfriend?
.. i feel like my exboyfriend wrote this survey.

Does anybody hate you?
i'm sure many.

Do you like anyone?
a little bit

Speaking of which, ever been hit on by a much, much older person?
no.

How do you feel about Hello Kitty?
i don't really care.

If someone gave you $100,000 to shave your head, would you?
..no

Do small children like you?
they fucking love me

How often to you dream of zombies?
i don't at all, ever.

Do you think mushrooms are cool-looking?
not when there slapping my face

What happened at 11:00 am?
i got home from school

Did you receive anything special today?
no, nothing in the mail :(

Would you ever get a lip tattoo? What would it say?
MGDW

Are you having a good day today?
kinda sub par.

Do you prefer big dogs or small dogs?
i'm an equal opportunity dog lover

Have you had to get your tonsils removed?
no

Do you ever write in pencil anymore?
yeah, scantron ruins lives.

"my hearts beating so fast right now"
"can i feel it?"

[ 09 ]

New York, you're perfect
Don't please don't change a thing. .

[ 08 ]

what a drunken mess we all were. but happy, drunken messes.

my wish to play ive never was fuffilled, and as expected it provided mass laughs and suggestive thoughts. "ive never made out with him.." at a table of 6 only one drank. hahaha.


the party was crashed before it even started, but nothing stopped us last night. the old gang + new additons. new shenanigans in their prime.

i never meant it happen like this. and yet;
i continue to fall harder
faster
and completely.

[07]

i'm happy, all the time now. it's scary, no one is this happy. your this happy too. what the fuck happened to us. we used to miserable and not give two fucks...you used to be one of the rotten ones, and i liked you for that.

esentially one week of school left.
this week nearly killing me in the process.

3 things on my mind
blazing, scene 4, how gross i've become, ugh.
2 things i want to be doing
blazing, scene 4.
1 person i want to see
him.

no pub tonight, my liver is under lockdown for friday's trashfest.
i have this weird craving to play i've never.

updates more often.

[ 06 ]

i'm sure i've tasted this before.
what did I expect?
you're no good at lying
and I'm no good at comebacks.
but you're so untouchable.
and I'm so-terrible at this.

[ 05 ]

remember when my lungs weren't filthy? me either. well atleast not as filthy as my mouth.
yesterday was my first time into the mall in about 2 months. christmas has exploded everywhere and i couldn't be more pleased out it. of course, not as pleased as my waitress at kelseys who HEARD HER FIRST CHRISTMAS SONG ON THE RADIO YESTERDAY! loves what we ordered and LOL TOTALLY LOVED MY BAG! (happy people make me want to re evaluate my life.) but still pleased none the less. 1 month 2 days until christmas, a job would be phenomenal right now.

"she's kind of amazing...ugh gay"
"it's okay shes grossed out too"
♥

[ 0 4 ]

"i'm sorry if i destroy you."
"me too."






it's 4am and i can't sleep
memories made in the coldest winter.

[0 3]

Look we both know how i feel about you so i'm just going to shoot straight. You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. You're smart, charming, you laugh at all my stupid jokes and have a horrible habbit of always saving my life. The truth is, you're everything that I thought I ever wanted and more. And the last few days all I could think about was the future. About what it's going to be like once I get the intersect out of my head and we can be together for real, no fake relationship, no covers, no lies. But the more I think about it ,the more I realize that you and I can never have a future together. I fooled myself into thinking that we could but the truth is we can't. Because even if we had a real relationship it'd never really be real. . I'm a normal girl who wants a normal life. And as amazing as you are Jesse Lacey, we both know that you will never be normal.

[02]

last sems my gpa was 3.8, this sems, i think if we divide that in half, it will be more accurate. ugh


this week was so long, its 1:30 on a saturday and it feels like its 7:00 on a sunday.
thursday night shindig was pretty respectable. (and by pretty respectable i mean i had a sick time.) my usual drunken mouth ran, confession that shouldnt have been said, were said. (we can always count on me for that one.) i wanted him so bad. this time it wasnt just the vodka or the bass from the music talking. i probably said a little to much. friday was haggard, relaxed and a little cute while saturday morning was a close call. "should i ask?..im not sleeping anyway.." "you asleep?" "hhmmh?" "nevermind." thankgod.




if your not really here
then the stars dont really matter
i want to be next to you.
black and gold.

[01]

this week has been one hell of a week.
i can finally say retail is out of the way and we killed the presentation.
i've managed to pull my back in the stupidest way so now i am walking around like a gimp. ive found myself getting celebratory drinks with the new classmates i swore that i probably would never become friends with; which made me really realize how much i miss the tuesday night drinking crew, "i've never", " i really like it when", drunken pictionary and everything in between. i feel like this week, more so, this month i've realized who the true friends are. who can really make me smile and who is just waiting around to be easy meat. this weekend i also was a smoking hot wastecase bridesmaid and spent almost all today crashed and burned out in my bed.


in my tired mess this month, in between friends and drinking and spending way to much in the big room, i can say i'm the happiest i've been in a l o n g time.

all the crimes they commit

3 drinks
3 pain pills
2 shots
2 joints
1 random asian drug dealer
1 txt "yes! i still have enough money to buy my gf a card for our 18 month aniversary!"
1 realization, whats with me and guys with girlfriends?
1 drunken phone call
1am drug run
1 chat that was well needed
1 line "you can still surprise me"



my back hurts so much this morning it's unreal.
he said he would have mailed me back
if he had a card.
oh well the thought was there.

new york i love you but you're freaking me out

wish i knew

if prince charming is a dick, bring on the frogs.


so pub night halloween, did the paper bag princess find her prince charming?
well actually she found 3.
but not so much.

prince 1, was tattooed, charming, but already has a princess at home.
prince 2, was discovered the morning after, from a drunken digits exchange, in txt form,
"it was a pleasure to meet you paper bag princess, we should get coffee sometime."
--tacky.
and prince 3 sat at home, only to think of the decheveled paper bag princess at 4:30 in the morning.
but that was enough, the paper bag princess fell asleep with a smile.


actual halloween was spent sober and in atire not made out of a leaf bag.
it must have been a full moon;
he wasn't usually that charming.
it happened alot slower,.
what a pretty little face.

montauk point

costume: $5.00
crown:$1.00
wand: $1.00
realizing if you sleep with him tonight he'll be pulling you out of a paper bag. priceless.


halloween pub tonight, pictures update later.
she made me laugh today.
"its like winning the lottery."


"im going home to play guitar"
fucking phenomenal.
he was already dreamy enough.
now this?

gave up my body and bed

he's so much more attractive when he doesn't talk.
maybe it was the tattoos, or the brand new ringtone.
or maybe i'm going crazy.

my house is cold, and lonley.
i'm tired and hungry.
wasting words on lower cases and capitals.






"Jesse, I still taste you, thus reserve my right to hate you."

a sober straight face

Modclub/ Lykke Li was amaze.
i have never seen so many skinny jeans, leather jackets and leather footwear in my life. it was one of those concerts where everyone was happy, and in love with the music. i sang my little hipster heart out. ♥















>

>

then there was dragon fly.
dragonfly was completely different than circa,alot more glamorus.. excpet everyone was still brown. gross.
my night involved: $200 bottle of gin, VIP service, private booth, to much yagger, short mexicans (story of my life) and some random who apparently watches to much dancing with the stars. invision a dip gone wrong, legs up in the air, drink spilling and yet he still thought that was code for slip me a finger and some tounge. no dice. the best poutine adventure of my life, "you're glasses are sexy" "thanks there raybans".."thats not what i meant" "well thats what i meant." and a disapointing lack of ass, for some of us atleast.

sick of your tattoos

so she txt him, selfishly, but at the same time, maybe to curious for her own good.
"now its your turn to make me smile."

anxious for whats next, but already anticipating nothing much.
she'll wait paitently.
she always does.


lykke li and tattooed indie boys @modclub 7 tonight.
tonight i fall in love.

shitshow round 2 will commence saturday at 4.
we'll drink to the future with full time friends.

so heres to the ones we love, if only they cared.

lets keep in touch

I want a lover I don't have to love,
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk.
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full.
I need some meaning I can memorize.
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind.

number 9

cause you traded me for the lump sum

ill keep writing
and youll keep reading
neither of us really sure what my words mean.
but understand the implications of between the lines.

theres nothing to inspiring to write about about today
this day blended in from yesterday, which will soon blend into tomorrow.
i'm excitted for the weekend and what wastecase events will come my way, how many shots will i be able to keep down, which brown guy will buy me drinks and who will be the hero to wave their fingers in randoms face for me this time.
lets hope the bar tender has all fingers this time.
"WHY DIDNT YOU WARN ME" "I COULDNT WARN MYSELF"
cue smile.

out of cash, and i own you.

The summer came, and we got lost, all of us
you are nothing without her,
I still wont remember; well your face
features mixed to well with this alcohol
so cover ourselves in your fear
you can spend the night
and hope to sleep all day.

change of pace

we drank. they didnt. 3 glasses of rum. which reminded me why we were such good friends: common interest. lushes and seemingly cold, when we want to be .the night went on, and then had a change of pace.

i dont think my heart has ever pounded that fast, i never thought i could be that nervous around you anymore. i genuinley surpruised myself. my legs were trembling, only this time from not being in my comfort zone. heels click on tile. "should i do it?" "when should i do it?" "is it lame? do i look stupid." fuck. so i did it, the reaction was lack luster, i felt lame. SO lame. commentary never happened. i waited, anything. .nothing..
i must have looked like i was begging for it.
goodnight
"mhm"
maybe i should have mailed this one in.

she won't know

i feel like some times i write without considering others feelings
but then i feel i write without considering others feelings, because sometimes certain people don't consider mine.
today there was a certain kindess in your eyes.
i could have commented but i just kept to myself and smiled
(like i usually do anyways.)
or maybe i was seeing things
(i was at school for 12 hours today.)
this is the longest week of my life.
she said fuck me like you mean it.


How is it possible,he thinks,to miss a woman whom he kept at a distance so that when she was gone he would not miss her. Only then did he realise how wanting part of her and not all of her had hurt them both and how he cannot justify his actions except that, well, it was life.

surprise me

"i dont trust his hands, their small"
even at our worst, we're still better than most
i felt like a phone call tonight, but no such luck
i remain hopeful, but already know the outcome
this week my brain is going to explode
i said i stopped faking it when you stoped caring
but really you never cared enough to know i was faking.
your lips are more sincere than your eyes
fishing for compliments gets you know where
i miss that smell on my sweaters,
over priced boy and bad intentions.
i'm tired
i'm cold
and i'm into jerks.
well fuck me.

i'll stand as still as you need

You were looking for a way to change your life. You could not do this on your own. All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you want to look, I fuck like you want to fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.

those stupid fucking sheets didnt even matter this time
grabbing anything and everything to stop trembling was first priority.
i smiled. you moaned. i pulled your hips closer. you pulled my hair closer. i fell asleep shaking and smiling. you fell asleep like any other night.

handsome and smart

my tounges the only muscle in my body that works harder than my heart

my mac is dead. and will not be fixed for 4-6 weeks. in the mean time im on this POS pc laptop that weighs more than my right leg and is thicker than a black girls weave. how. . uninspiring? not to mention all my files will be erased. shit. this laptop has so many un helpful key diagrams. wtf is a box with some guys hand poiting to it mean. or "verr; maj"? wtf pc this is bullshit.

anyways, this week i have a million assignments to do and more tests. joy. i also need to apply for a job as i have this shitbox laptop to pay for while my other one is getting fixed.

i also need to double time on the diet as some of you are getting skinny fast. fuck.

and a few questions to be answered since alot of you are on my case i havent gotten up the courage to get that sorted out yet.

i'll add it to the list.
-16 fingers crossed.

brass buttons on your coat

nothing really went as planned today. .


1. best lines of my life "it tastes like a kiss." "it doesn't taste like anyone i've been kissing" "exactly." .."true."
2. tomorrow is looking like Dday. pretty nervous like you dont even know.
3. i was hoping that went over way better. i thought it was nice. .
4. i need to buy a new CFM dress
5. offically e v e r y o n e i talk to is on a diet- i dont want to be the only fatty left. operation liquid diet in affect.
6. hole above my lip or hole in my nose?
7. fakebake.

have another drink & drive yourself home

chaos.
i did exactly what i said i was going to do.
fb, tv, muchies, blog, going to get wings.
POV is due in 15 hours.
the pressure is on- but not really, i'll get to it. . eventually.

today: giggles and smiles.
tomorrow: tired and haggard anticipated.
the sweater im wearing right now is debateable.
bright red american apparel? i'm kinda cute for santa.

I’d said what I’d said that I’d tell you, and that you’d killed the better part of me. If you could just milk it for everything, I’ve said what I’d said and you know what I mean. But I still can’t focus on anything, We kiss on the mouth but still cough down our sleeves.

more spine on a jellyfish

we dont remember days, we remember moments.
we dont rememer playlists, we remember songs.
i could tell you exactly what i was doing the first time i heard tommy gun and the last time i heard it.
i could tell you exactly where i was the first time i heard the reason or silverstien
i could tell you exaclty who i was with when i last heard wonderwall (that fcking song. .)
and i could tell you exactly what i was wearing the first time i heard the killers and what i wasnt wearing last time i heard the killers.
i could tell you excatly what i felt the first time i heard the holly springs disaster or mgmt.

i can remember that time i got ready for my first "show" thinking a striped polo and skinnys meant i was XcoreX.
i can remember the last time he said i looked pretty or pushed my hair out of my eyes.
i can remember how ridiculous sick my sternum was [click]. or how cute i looked with blond hair for that matter.
i can remember the last time i cried i laughed so hard
i can remember the first phone call " why was tn your favourite"
i can remember when he got so drunk he spilled everything you ever said about me
i can remember telling her every last detail of what i'd been up to- and watching her jaw drop in disbelief.
and i can remember everylast shitshow better than i remember 4 days ago.
the list goes on.

look at your face- like your killed in a dream. and you think you've figured everything out. i think you know my geometry pretty damn well you say what you need so youll get more, if you could just milk it for everything. i've said what i said and you know what i mean.

im still pretty nervous about . .
well, you'll know in time.
i suppose.
and now we wait.

tell me what you got away with

you smell good- what was that sent again?
ohyeah, i cheat on everyone by calvin klein.


tonight i fell in love.. .
nick&norahs infinite playlist.
cutest movie of my life.
norah was secretly playing my life on big screen- she just didnt know it yet. fuck.
i think i was smiling just as the name of the movie showed up on the screen.
but really-- my lifestory.
nick, tall, tris, the drunk friend. .
watch it, youll just know what character you are in my life.


this weekend was different.
in a weird 8months ago-esque way.
window watching (with excittment) , curled up with pillows-giggling- wifes&husbands, albino children. latenight showtime. achomplishing nothing productive but content in doing so.
only this time you werent my husband and everybody lost with gray girl pants.
haha- i think youll always remain my fave.


then again this weekend wasnt that different, still procrasinating on hw and the million other things this week. shitbox.


"you don't have to yell- we're not at a train station. we're in a tiny car."

"Jesse, stay asleep in bed"

i was nervous that today would be the day- but it wasn't.
maybe tomorrow.
the perfect hipster attire, overly cordinated friends and smoking bubles expolding at the most perfect times.
almost to perfect.
bob ross infatuation, we were the happy little mistakes- just letting it happen.
when we all got talking, it was like we never skipped a beat
although our rhythm was a little off this time.
i stopped faking it when you stoped caring
you never noticed. you said you always knew.


then again you are far to cute or whatever he said.

i've got a twenty dollar bill

i'm a birthday candle in a circle of black girls


I'm put together beautifully;
Big wet bottle in my fist
I'm a perfect piece of ass
Like every Californian
So tall I take over the street
with highbeams shining on my back
A wingspan unbelievable
I'm a festival, I'm a parade
all the wine is for me






one thought of the day: class reading out loud-- seriously
one word for the day: lame
one line from the day: "he's not attractive, just warning you"
one look of the day: glazed, lost, thought i knew you better than that.

you're tearing up your photos

"if you drink wine you can't be a whore,--it's classy-- we'll i drink a vodka so.."
oh how i love you.


pretty much a perma wastecase these days.
it's getting colder, the fairs comming soon.
cute.
falling leaves and pumpkin frenzy ♥-- ew wait do i sound like one of those season enthusiast mom blogs? gross.
so, glad to have friends back in order.
joking is now approriate and expected.






when you get it, take it as a smile from me to you.
nothing more, nothing less.
let me know.

pulling at your insides all night

$500 later
a winter coat that will make boys cry
vnecks and floppy hats.
toronto is bad news.

tonight entails
rapture VIP at the absinthe.
trashfest.


it's time to kill the drama this lifestyles getting old.

nurture cherished wounds

medium is the message.
we'll see how it plays out in a few days.

new holes in my face soon times.
new wardrobe tomorrow &go.

i just want to make you smile.
je ne sais pas.

i need more crystal castle in my life.
thrash leather jackets and american apparel.
well fuck me.

the part i must have missed

"my life is like a soap opera, only i never win"
"what are you talking about, you always win.."
.."i know right.."

you left stains on my sheets and stains on my soul.
today was to hot for september
he's not as naive as we thought.
if you know, sorry i didnt tell you.
mondays are the new tuesday nights.
get stoked.

i submit no excuse

fall back on reasons that we know won't stand a chance



in my weekend of scandal



2 mistakes that should have never happened

2 mistakes that were glady taken

2 mistakes that never happened but should have

nights growing old in your bed

"my dads a doctor, it's hard to live up to that"
.."thats to bad.."
"your a nice girl.."

do girls really fall for that shit? spending half my night being a victim of bad pickup lines was VERY overratted.
pub night seemed like a lame high school prom. how are 22 year olds going when im 19 and finding it a bad scene. over priced booze and over priced company.

being half trashed was a tease.
and being baked off my face was even worse. strobe + black lights made it seem like i was having a fucking seizure all night.

finally it's friday.
the weekend looks promising.
and so stoked for monday B.A.R.K adventures.
♥