[ 59 ]

"last night i spelt with alphabet pretzles alone". .
the last three nights i often wonder how my relationship continues to find it's way on some new path. not the yellow brick road kind, the kind your taking to your cottage, thats always kinda sketchy and probably isn't even a road, it just looks like the middle of a hill opened up and people decided that theyd rather drive down the openind then detour for another 2 hours to get where they need to be. anyways the point of this entry isnt to describe the wilderness. the point of this entry is so straighten out my head. as usual, wednesday was a train wreck. only it was so much worse this time. the fight didnt end and i've never been talked to like that in my life. i felt heartbroken that someone, anyone could say to me what was said that afternoon. so i left. i was shaking, trembling, and i left. i couldn't get out of their faster. i didnt want to sit at home in my cold apartment so i went t my parents house, to relax. i turned off my phone so no one could be in my head. i didnt even want to be in my head at this point. i didnt talk to him for a day and a half. and when he finally saw me i didnt know if he wanted to kill me or hate me or would be glad to see me. they way it all then went down, i wasn't expecting. i wasn't expecting to be called crazy again, i was expecting to hear that he felt like our relationship was beccoming a hassle, i deffininty wasn't expecting to be shaking waiting for him to say lets break up. i said i was sorry that i worried him so much, but i needed me time. i'm sorry i didnt talk to you, i didnt talk to anyone, i just needed to get away. he said that he was going to toronto for 5 days almost imediatly after. with all the shaking ive done in the last week im surprised i don't have parkinsins already. i wondered if the next few months would be a ploy to try and hurt me the way i hurt him. i think thats what did it for me. the look in his eyes when he saw me. their was no love. no excittment, just cold, unwelcoming eyes. ever since i walked back in his apartment, he hasn't looked at me like he used to. he doesn't touch my skin the way he used to. he seem's disconnected, and kept reminding me that i wasn't the reason why he's been smiling these two weeks. another night, i fall asleep shaking. i've appoligized but it's not the same.
nothings the same.
so what am i supposed to do. i'm trying to be happy. all day i listened to him talk about his interviews, internships, and potential new life in toronto. its weird. at times like these you want your relationship to be its strongest when new people are entering your lives on a daily basis, when your growing up and moving away. and yet, i've never felt so insecure in mine. i'm so used to sleeping with him, smelling him, taking him in, rubbing is back. and i won't be seeing him for 6 days. i won't be kissing him or telling him that i love him. i'll wondering. not wether hes cheating, or wether hes actuallly working. i'll be wondering if he's thinking of me now and then, or if he misses me at all, and what he'll be missing most.
i want him to be successful, i want to marry best art director of toronto, and live in a huge apartment with a mini pony named samson and a bulldog. but even if i don't have that, i just want him. and i just want him to want me. i'm most worried about getting left behind and lost among the stress of it all.

i want to be the reason he smiles every morning.
but i also want him to be the reason i smile every morning.

[ 58 ]

i just wanted you to tell me you loved me. that you had missed me or even looked like you were excitted to see me. i just needed reassurance i was still the only one for you. but you didn't, you didn't notice my tears right beside you, the damp stain on your pillow or the wet marks on my cheeks when i was making your juice. i stayed up, just to talk to you, and as soon as you got home, you went back to him. i was excitted to tell you about my parents asking about you, and how my ads turned out, or how i got completly lost on the highway and missed my exit but managed to find my way.
but it's ok.
another day i suppose.
when the smiles are real and my cheeks are dry.
when your life has time for me and my stories again.

[ 57 ]

let's play a love game.

[ 56 ]

everything about today was familiar. the restaurant, the laughs, the usual conversation topics; "chase msgd me the other day, his ears are at 5/8ths now". we went back to his house, which was alot colder than i remembered but none the less patchie didn't have food or water, like usual , but was sketchily excitted to see me as usual. our friendship is weird now, tainted, and lost all high school innocence. but it was nice to get away from oakville bullshit, i could finally relax from my racing thoughts. or so i thought, like most saturdays i'm spending the night alone in my dundas bed. only, your not sleeping alone in yours tonight..

[ 55 ]

this weekend i am utterly fucked, my layouts are due at 1pm monday, and yet i sit at home in dundas, with no intentions of going to the mac lab atleast until sunday night. 19 years, and my time management skills continue to decline exponetially (while my trust issues continue to increase.) i have been deemed by some, a reason for potential failure. that i am making life to hard, and of course i'm the one being selfish. i, on the other hand. don't seem to see eye to eye on this issue. i see my self, as the contrary, being extremly selfless. i'm trying to pick my battles, but every day it's the same one. and it will be, for as long as we are. and for some, their two picks for future business partners, are well, less than favourable? one tried to fuck me in a closet and the other i'm sure has more than a few things in common with 7/11. the first being that her mouth and legs never close.
but atlast, this will be the last time i bring this up, because we will never see eye to eye on this one.
i will never put being unhappy over being successful.
that's for damn sure.

[ 54 ]

i don't want to know.
even though i know.
guess i know.
i just hate how it sounds.

[ 53 ]

he gave me a painting he painted.
i cooked curry and rice (which was phe nom en al )
he cooked rizoto (samesies)
with apple toaster struddle for desert.
we were cute.
i felt in love.
i could get used to this whole vday thing.

[ 52]

in my life, (and by life i mean more so relationships) history always seem to have a way of repeating it's self. of course, at the time, one repeated event doesn't seem to be history repeating. but soon enough, the patterns always show up. however they always seem to be reversed. the most recent occurence just happened 20 minutes ago. My last relationship ended for several reasons, but really came down to me moving away, starting a new life, and wanting to meet and expierence new people. i didn't see it as being a problem, i just saw it as i'm growing up and doing what i need to do to make sure i get ahead. if you don't look out for yourself it's not like anyone else is going to. Anyways, when i told my then boyfriend about moving away, he didn't see it as, good for you. he saw it as, what about me? what about us? are we not important enough to get through this? fast forward my life a little over a year later and i'm now wondering what about us? what about my new relationship. he just applied for an internship in toronto, and has intentions to move to toronto i would suspect in april. that means a long distance relationship, new people and new feelings. i know how his last long distance relationship worked, and i'm not going to be destroyed like that. not to be pesimistic, but, today i watched his eyes wander to check out countless girls and i'm in the chair beside him. or wednesday, the disregard of my feelings for networking? i'm all up for networking, and keeping people close, but when i walk in and shes laying in his nook, it destroyed me inside. it destroyed me watching him do nothing to the point i had to grab school work and study for a test because watching them together was to much. so what happens when he's in toronto and does nothing again, and just let's it all happen. so now what? what happens in two months? am i just waiting around to get my heart broken?
so much for romance and vday blogginig.

[ 51 ]

looking at those pictures made me happy.
i have a love hate relationship with pizza pockets.
so good but really, there always way to hot to ever enjoy.
i'm not to sure about these bangs.

[ 50 ]

drunks, lovers, sinners and saints.

[ 50 ]

so i waited for him to show up, but he never did. i watched him walk away with his sidekick, as usual, my inbox empty. left to put together the peices of the rest of my day. I ran into her and the kid, and ranted about my ditch-age, once again. i appolgized, but i really just made the kid look like a saint. actually- should that be a direct quote? "see you can't get mad at me, i'll never do anything like that guy- he makes me look like a saint!". thanks kid. rub it in. i'm probably his favourite friend of hers. it took him almost 5 hours to txt me to even wonder where i was (even though we had plans for right after school. i manged to clean my room, shower, get ready, go shopping and come to school before i even crossed his mind. they all watched me. checking my phone every 10 seconds. if eye contact was made, they'd smile, but not real smiles. they pittied me. i gave them the standard i know i'm pathetic shrug back.

[ 49 ]

i couldn't sleep so i goggled.
and learned about his past.

[ 48 ]

my comfort has always been in being the other woman. knowing that it doesn't take much to get any guy to cheat on his girlfriend. if theres anything college has taught me, people cheat without a second thought. it doesn't even take a gorgeous girl, or someone with an award winning personality. any circumstance can become the perfect one for all elements to come together. i've heard it all "i've cheated on them all" "you're lucky number 7" "don't tell my girl friend, but i fiend you all the time." of course, not all potential cheaters were persued. but it's almost funny how many me's there are out there. you know the kind, the girl you hate. the one who claims shes not a homewrecker but when it all comes down to it, could really not take any more pleasure in knowing you've just fucked it all up for them. the reason why i bring this up is because lately my dreams have been filled with the tables being turned. i'm the one who get's cheated on. it's so devastating in my dreams i can't imagine if it was real. so now you may ask- so what renee?- is this where your entry takes an inspirational turn- and you proclaim you've learned and accepted the lord allowed forgiveness in your heart and are a new woman now?
the simple answer is no. it's the woman in me that makes me want to play this game.

[ 47 ]

we alternated sleeping the day way. last night there were no good night kisses and no good morning kisses when i woke either. my concerns were dismissed and you told me to shut up- you had already heard them. your now off in the living room helping your roomate clean, and i'm bored and maybe a little confused. what happens when i feel alone when i'm with you, and your not even here for me to talk to. the last two weekends i've spent my last few hours in oakville for the weekend alone in your room. making the bed, tidying up odds and ends trying to prove i'm still the perfect girlfriend. but not today. the sheets will remain slept in, your desk--with dishes and papers everywhere and tables covered in cigarette leftovers and bong water.

[ 46 ]

i walked in and she was practically sitting on his lap. it wasn't that i didn't trust him i didn't trust her. was i just being a girl? maybe. but seeing her eyes, and our eye talk, we both were on the same page. but then, maybe we both were being girls. it was really tonight that confirmed it for me. when another he, commented on the night. "i notcied that, that girl is whack, i hate when she chills with us." "why did he let her do that?" "you two never show any emotion." and he was right. how was that dumb whore to understand to stop laying on my boyfriend and stop touching his legs when someone who i hang out with every other day is constantly reminding me that my relationship is weird. i knew my name tag analysis was right in last week's entry. the saga continues.

[ 44 ]

it's called common courtesy.
that's all i'm ever trying to get at.

i ran into him in the big room.
he smiled, sweetley, and made akward conversation.
he treated me like a person
like i wasn't gross and disgusting and sick.
he didn't say i looked awful
he didn't say much at all.
but it felt like i had friend in sheridans world of fake people with rude comments.