[ 78 ]

portfolio review, finally the stress is over.
after a long GO ride and a cab drive that didn't know where elm st was and didn't know the difference between and even and off number, i made it to the center on time and got my place at table 9. only after sitting on the wrong side of the table with the portfolio reviewers, not the student side (fml)
"before i look at your portfolio, i'm going to let you know i have graphic design history so i'm going to be brutal" ---great.
fortunantly for me, it was all positive feedback and critisim. "you're ideas are there and are great and funny and quirky but, you just need to work on your craft and typgraphy." was the general theme among the 3 reviewers.
but they gave me direction, goals, and everything i need to know in order to get an awesome job. i also ended up getting a fatty advertising book on all the award winning ads, graphic design, photography, student ads ect.

the problem was, i was working on what i thought they wanted to see, not what i wanted to do. i wanted to give them everything and not focus it in one direction. without going to that reiview, i can honestly say i don't think i would have ever gotten the internship i wanted, job i wanted or anything.

i don't say it often but i'm proud of myself for going, and doing what i need to do.
:)

[ 77 ]

i know my blogging has been lacking, but i've been so busy with this portfolio stuff. just when i thought i was done monday, my layout teacher suggested i change most layouts because i was falling into the pattern of one big visual, one big headline. so i took his advice for the most part (on short notice) and changed what i could when i could. in a bit, i'm going to T.O to have my portfolio reviewed by 3 creative experts. i'm so nervous but what's the worse they can say, your ads are shit wtf are you doing in advertising?
....yeah.

after tonight i just want to relax.
just sleep, actually sleep.
do nothing, watch tv.
and be taken out to a nice dinner.

i really didn't think i'd come out sane from all this in the last two weeks.
maybe i didn't.

[ 76 ]

everyday
i wake up
i choose love
i choose light
and i try
it's too easy just to fall apart.

[ 75 ]

and so i'm getting sick again for the third time in two months.
here we go again.

your waist line continues to shrink and mine is going no where.
it makes me think of her entries, wondering about if
"i'm the biggest he's ever been with."
or his comments
"you like sandwhiches? i've never dated a girl who likes them."

[ 74 ]

finished layout count: 1
to go: 19.

what the fuck did i get myself into.
at the same time, it feels so good. i don't need them, that i don't need to rely on anyone else for my success other than myself. i can be driven, independent and happy from my own actions. i don't need any one else's gratification, my own contentment will soon be enough. i told the two of them, foolishly, what i was so excitted for, and they could have cared less. whatever, i cared.

THSD was fucking amazing, as always.
(my ears are still ringing.)

[ 73 ]

i could not be more proud of myself then i am right now.
i have so much to do before april 1st.
this will seperate the boy and the girls.
i'm stressed but excitted.
DNALSNDAKLSDNLSA.
eee ♥

[ 72]

hypothetically today should be a good day
cute dress, moccasins and good weather.
now all i need is a certain cute boy to keep me laughing all day.

"did you know that blonde girl that reminds me of ashley is going out with that tall akward boy?"
"no but, it makes sense now. i bet their writing notes like this:
did you know that little hipster is going out with the pizza face in the plaid?"

lololing.
no one wants to go on a walk with me, so i guess i'll be gallavantaing alone.
ohwell, the weathers to nice to be inside.

[ 71 ]

with one message
she is control of everything.
i have no back up plan, no second choice.
am i even making the right decision?
or will i spend two months alone and regreting everything for the second time.

[ 70 ]

i still check his blog almost faithfully twice a week, hoping "my last day" wasn't the last thing he had written. unfortunatly, just like every other day, week, and month their were still no updates. still no new words to comfort me and make me smile. one day i'm sure he'll write again, today's just not that day.

my back hurts, my eyes are heavy and i have so many big decisions to make this week i can feel another anxiety attack comming on already.

[ 70 ]

and she hates
1. people who walk to slow and take up the entire hall way.
2. perma bitter betty's.
3. the way curry burns my tummy even a day after i eat it.
4. how my best friend said once i hit 20, i will have child bearing hips.
5. how i don't have that space inbetween my thighs and never will.
6. doing the dishes after every meal, every day.
7. my never ending back pain.
8. empty inbox's.
9. poppers in exsessive amount.
10. that FNWB ends at 11 followed by wife swap.

[ 69 ] no pun intended.

he told me to stop being a lap dog.
and there he was, going agaisnt everything he fucking told me the night before.
is there anyone who words aren't dripping with hipocritism.

and to think i almost wrote a blog last night on all the motivation you gave me. on how, i really needed to hear what you needed to say and how i was only hearing half the story.

jokes on me i guess.

[ 68 ]

i'm not sure if i like who i'm becomming.
i know where i want my life to be in 5 years.
but i have no clue where my life is now.

there's two tragedies in life.
not getting what you want
and getting it

[ 67 ]

he didn't believe me when i said he looked like joey fatone.

joey fatone.
ha.

[ 66 ]

today is the first day in a long time that the sinking feeling is no more. my heart feels full and secure, and i can see his does to.
we're laughing again.
smiling again.
being us again.

maybe she was right,
maybe it is passionate after all.
she's always right, i need to listen more.

[ 65 ]

ordering tickets.
thsd
march 14.

so fucking sick
this is what you call a good day.