[ 23 ]

i feel like i never realized how scared i am to be alone until this moment that i never realized how dependent i had become on him, on his love. until this moment. and for that one moment you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time.



i need you so much closer.

[ 22 ]

my heart was pounding again and my head was spinning.
where are you?
i just needed to hear your voice.
just for a second.
i just needed to calm down.

abercrombie and poppers? no.
fine, i'll check mtv
double shot at love, no.
that's amore, no.
my true life- yes.
3 young adults and their struggle with the porn industry. YES.
hmm, guy one. "i do gay porn but i'm not gay, sucking guys is my job. it's like working at mc dondalds, just because you flip burgers at work doesnt mean you flip them at home?"
worst metaphor of my life, he looked like a fag anyways.
girl two, "no one wants to date me because im in the porn industry, well i just help produce, i don't star in it." so she goes sped dating to show her true colours right away, so men will be more receptive, it all leads to instant rejection. "this always happens" she says to the camera man who really is giving us more tit shots than face ones. it probably always happens because she has bright pink hair and a face only a mother could love.
---this show was going downhill.
girl three, a sex radioshow host that talks about her sexcapades, a self proclaimed nympho, whos co-host feels the show will suffer now that she is in a monogmus relationship. heart warming really.
out of everything i chose this?
whatever.

i guess i fell asleep as it's morning now.
apple cinamon cherrios with banana.
oh good, jonas brother rerun with ellen.
fuck the straight hair one is hot.
how old is he 16?17?
give me 2 minutes, and that promise ring is done.

[ 21]

Maybe im alone in all of this or maybe, its something, that we just missed. throw another four letter smile out.

Has someone ever told you they would be with you forever?
yep

Do you sleep with your door open or closed?
almost all the way closed

What did you do last night?
fucking nothing

Is it okay for girls to kiss other girls?
go for it.

Do you know any mechanical stuff about cars?
lol no way.

What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
i made a pretty good sandwhich

How many true friends do you have that you can tell anything to?
three.

What's on your bedroom floor right now?
a carpet.

Are you close with your mother?
pretty close

How many kids do you want?
no thanks

What was the first thing you thought this morning?
ugh, still no nightly 2:30 txt.

Do you still talk to the first person you kissed?
definintly not. not since i was 13.

Are you Irish in any way?
no way.

German?
nope

Are you happy right now?
i'm kinda bitter today

Ever talked to someone that was drunk?
every thursday night

What was the last beverage someone spilled on you?
i spilled it on myself and it came from my mouth, stupid vodka.

Do you like piercings?
♥

Do you smoke weed regularly?
lol define regularly

Would you ever want to swim with the sharks?
if i had all prosthetic limbs anyway

Did you speak to your father today?
yes.

How did you wake up this morning?
i heard my dad snow blowing.

Do you hate the last boy you were talking to?
not even close :)

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking pot?
i guess i could but why would i want to?

Honestly, do you like anybody?
ugh to much.

Do you regret anything from your past?
nah, you live and you learn

Have you ever been to Hooters?
no i have not. but i think someone should take me.

Does anyone call your home phone for you anymore?
not really

What do you want for your next birthday?
the drill

What does the newest text message in your inbox say?
"im at work."

What was the last song you sang out loud?
untouched, what a terrible plan.

Do you have any sisters?
not a one.

What time did you go to bed last night?
one ish

Are you currently happy?
so so happy.

When was the last time you cried?
ugghhhum dec18.

Is anything bugging you right now?
you learn to pick your battles

What was the last thing to make you laugh?
" i didnt say you looked hot, i said your hat looked not unisex"

Do you wear toe socks?
to much effort.

Who is the last person you got missed a call from?
B.

Would you kill someone you hate for a billion dollars?
id do it for a million.

Do you own an iPod?
one from the prehistoric ages.

Who was the last person you saw in person?
my mom

Have you changed this year?
this question is stupid, all we do is change.

What are you listening to right now?
sleep- azure ray.
"i can't sleeep, i can't speak to you."

Are you talking to anyone while doing this?
nope

Do you walk with your eyes open or closed?
wtf? open obviously

Is there a quote you live by?
live to lust, lust to live.

Do you want someone/something you can't have?
isn't that always the case?

Have you ever played an instrument?
trumpet in grade 7/8
guitar half ass grade 12-now.

Whats the worst idea you've had this week?
"should i txt him? no."

What were you doing last night at 11?
watching bad boys.

Do you speak any other languages?
no

Are you a blonde?
i was born one

What are you doing tomorrow?
the same thing as today, nothing.

Who's number one on your top friends?
top friends are lame.

Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
always. doctors apts make me more nevous then he does.

Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
once or twice

What color shirt were you wearing during your last kiss?
a red american apparel hoodie :)

When was the last time you were in bed with somebody of the opposite sex?
too long ago.

Would you rather go to a party or go out of town?
go to a party.

What were you doing this morning at 9:30?
sleeping

What movie did you see last in theaters?
nick and noras infinte playlist <3

What color hoodie did you wear last?
purple american apparel

Are you crushing on someone?
always :)

Do you want to get married?
he just has to pick a date. lolol.

Do you sleep on your stomach?
no, i sleep on his.

Who was the last person that made you cry?
second letter of the alphabet.

Are you ticklish?
ugh. oui.

Are you missing someone?
7 sleeps. .

Anything you want to tell someone?
"soon, soon."

Are you someone's best friend?
i'd really hope so

Anything you're giving up on?
not yet

Who was the last person you gave your number to?
hahaha "gregoir"? or so my phone said. he tried to pick me up at halloween pub.

Have you lost friends in the past year?
i'm always losing friends

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
some are.
mine is.

Ever been to new york?
yes and i never wanted to leave

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
i know i have

When was the last time you went clothes shopping?
yesterday, i'm bought a bunch of grown up clothes.

When was the last time you were told you were cute?
uhm, today. "my mom thinks your cute."

Can you sleep without blankets covering you?
sometimes i wake up that way so i guess so.

Have you ever cut your own hair?
never

Have you ever put metal in your mouth?
not like dirty money or anything

Have you ever slept in a bed with the same sex?
lolol all ten of us.

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
if he doesnt kiss me it will be.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
i'd like to think i am.

What are you listening to?
right now- akon

Have you ever been punched by the opposite sex?
lol yes

Do you believe ex's can be friends?
depends on the breakup.

What is the last thing you did before you went to sleep last night?
checked my phone

Have you ever made plans with somebody and ended up ditching them?
i'm brutal for that. haha but i'm getting better

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
no

Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
yeee, and still do.

Are you a forgiving person?
i'm a forgive-r but not a forget-ter

Are your parents over the age of 40?
yeye


What is your favorite kind of weather?
fall. leaves changing and pumpkin flavoured shit everywhere.

Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
yes

Are you wearing any jewelry?
nope. just piercings

Is there anyone that you wish was out of your life?
lol sort of. sorry haha i'm not really sorry.


Do you know a lot about cars?
i like em shiny

How has this week been?
so far pretty shitty.

Are you mean?
a little, i wont lie.

Describe your relationship status?
♥

Do you like yourself?
sometimes to much

Do you wish on 11:11?
if i remember

Are you a bad influence?
the worst kind.

[ 20 ]

I've tried telephones and old typewriters
words of love along the wires
But nothing is working tonight
TO DO:
1. finish paintings x2.
2. think thin.
3. loose IIII IIII IIII ugh.
4. learn how to skate.
5. be kissed in the rain.
6. find a kiss to make me cry.
7. fix guitar strings
8. finish rib tattoo
9. clean apt.
10. stop thinking of him.

"yo, what you doing for new years?"
"well, at this rate, sitting alone in my closet in my new years dress."

[ 19 ]

my head hurts. and my eyes are sore for looking at the screen all day. im rattled about the smiles he stil manages to provide. i would love for you to surprise me later.and now she sleeps.

[ 18 ]

bliss   [blis]
–noun
1. supreme happiness; utter joy or contentment
2. Theology. the joy of heaven.
3. heaven; paradise: the road to eternal bliss.

tonight i ate my entire bowl of pad thai with chopsticks.
just saying, i'm pretty proud.

7 days till santa.
1o sleeps until he's back.
i was scared the feeling would start to fade, and then i heard his voice.
i now wait to seek comfort in the words: day three, is ending.

[ 17 ]

my bed seemed colder than normal, and my room uninviting. i shut the blinds as tight as they would go, it looked bitter out anyways. i wrapped myself up tight in my blankets, sleep will make the days go faster. i don't know what to do with myself when your not here. it's early night, and already half asleep i reached over to the side i usually find you on, to grab your hand, hoping i was really in your sheets and not mine. that you had got up to put a sweater on and you'd be back in a minute or perhaps that you couldn't sleep either and were already akwake. i grabed a handful of sheets instead and pulled my pillow closer to me, not for the warmth but for the comfort you used to make me feel. i checked my phone, hopeful that maybe the vibrations were muffled by the sounds of me tossing and turning or that i had fallen aseep. but it was no different than all day. i will continue to wonder when your thinking of me, or if you even are at all and try to assure myself that the sinking will stop sooner then later. that youll be back before i know it, that i'm still the last thing on your mind before you fall asleep and that you won't forget what my hands feel like.

[ 16 ]

"he chose her over you, but i chose you."
actually, i chose you over him
and you only chose me when you thought he was going to.
if were being technical.
so i suppose i owe him some thanks for speeding up the process.

you said that she said she'd never seen you so happy. i agreed when i saw the smile you tried to hide, looking down and your eyes shy like you had never been my lover.

your miles above the earth,
and i'm wondering if i'm still on your mind.

[ 15 ]

"Make a playlist for your life."
1. Opening Credits: Lux Aeterna- Clint Mansell
2.Waking Up Scene: Us- Regina Spektor
3.Getting Ready Scene: Untouched- The Veronicas
4.Car Driving Scene: Time to Pretend - MGMT
5.High School Flashback Scene: Your English is Good- Tokyo Police Club
6.Nostalgic Scene: Title and Registration - Death Cab For Cutie
7.Angry Scene : Smile in Your Sleep- Silverstien
8.Agony, Painful Scene: Like Knives- City and Colour
9.Break-up Scene: New York I Love You- LCD soundsystem
10.Sad, Breakdown Scene: The Boy Who Blocked his own Shot- Brand New
11.Nightclub/Dance Scene: Alice Practice- Crystal Castles
12.Buddy/Sidekick Scene: Brand New Colony- The Postal Service
13.Dreaming of Someone Scene: Seaglopur- Sigur Ros
14.Contemplation Scene: Hit The Wall -Brendan Canning
15.Love Scene: Colourblind- Counting Crows
16.Kissing Scene: 1000 times a day- The Early Novemeber
17.Relaxing Scene: Day N Nite- Kid Cudi
18.Action/Fight Scene: The One Armed Boxer Vs The Flying Guillotine- FFTL
19.Victory Scene: Sleepyhead- Passion Pit
20. Closing Credits: O Fortuna- Therion

[ 14 ]

i believe strongly in it's the little thing that counts . it's when people do the little things, it make you really appreciate them.
it's the notes saying i missed you or the random letters in the mail just to make you smile. its bringing a bag full of goodies to there house to make them feel better when there feeling quite ill. and sometimes watching a movie they want even though you dont want to. it's when you rub there back even though youd give nothing more than to have yours rubbed, or when you fall asleep in the most uncomfortable position, just so you can be with them, even when your sleeping. it's the kisses when your half asleep in the middle of the night, on the forehead and on the cheek that cause you to both mmm, and then go back to bed.

these little things make you want to be completley unselfish, because seeing that other person happy is worth more than waking up with an arm thats asleep from sleeping in the worst position of your life.

right now i'm watching santa clause,
and trying to plan out how im going to keep busy the next few weeks.
9 days till santa/ 12 days till he's back
which leaves: 288 hours to go crazy.

[ 13 ]

"day and night, the lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night.
He’s all alone, some things will never change."

thursday i spent the early portions of night hopeful of what last pub of the sems would bring my way. i looked pretty cute and had an endless supply of vodka. seemed like a good idea at the time.
"renee, dont have another drink, because your gonna get sick and i'm gonna have to clean it up."
"..sfkslfm im finnneeee..."
by 10:30 i spilled my guts all over his closet floor.

friday morning i've never felt so shitty.
the sheets i was tangled in didnt matter. i was more concerned with the abuse i put the american apparel bag through the night before and what was still to come.

however, later that night the sheets i was tangled up in, did matter.
the laughs i needed i got; and the hugs i wanted to make me feel better were in endless supply, just like my vodka the night before.

"love you"
"...yeah"
apparently a different kind of hangover was intended for saturday.

[ 12 ]

"ugh it looks like our gingerbread house is from new orleans"

next year i'm going with the gingerbread train kit instead.
lolol.

Its not that he makes me laugh, it's how he makes me laugh.
And it's not that i make him smile, it's how i make him smile.
it's laughs that turn silent when only little gasps of air escape
and smiles that aren't made by lips but through eyes.



♥
she's never fallen so hard.

[ 11 ]

so last night i finally cheered up, the sinking feeling stopped and smiles appeared, "i think you're gorgeous renee." i miss staying up and talking until 5am but at the same time gay chats and falling asleep with a smile is a fine trade off.
he makes me so happy.

anyways, what a terrible winter day; rain, slush and empty apartments to come home to. i saw my final mark for interactive today, pretty sub par but im sure nothing as bad as what my media mark is going to look like. is it because im on my own and im not trying as hard or because 2nd year is actually hard. i think the jury is still out on this one. or could it be my vag not being on lockdown and me actually having to do work the issue- an interesting argument im sure. in other news i'd be lying if i said im still not upset about the way both shot of loves turned out though. poor tila. <3

no fancy words or paragraphs today, i can't tell you something you already know.
sushi, studying, and sleeping in store for tonight.
hopefully with some company.

"What do you do when he stops loving you?"
"Well, you cry a little...then you wait for the sun to come up. It always does."

[ 10 ]

those stupid sheets, my vice. in those sheets i feel most comfortable, they make me want to say everything on my mind. they make me want to tell you how i've never been so hurt by you a few months earlier and at the same time tell you how much i care for you now. these sheets make me wonder if anyone else has been tangled up in them, like i'm tangled up in you, and then im reminded of how everything started- don't be so naive renee. but i can't help it, the sheets make me naive. i become exposed, vunerable and helpless in these sheets. i've fallen for every last word you told me in them, i've cried in these sheets, laughed in these sheets, smiled in these sheets and woke up with none of these sheets on me. they make me want to feel you grabbing me, arching my back and feel your skin stretched over your bones. when im not in these sheets, it makes me uneasy and on edge.




somebody like you can really make things all right for me.

[ 0 9 ]

we were walking there
and i had tangles in my hair
but you make me feel so pretty.

Hello, my name is?
ren nay

What's going on between you and the last person you kissed?
♥

What was your worst mistake in your life?
lol there have been some doozies.

Would you get back with your last ex if they asked you?
he's always asking, no dice.

You're walking down the street with your love, where are you going?
to american apparel

What's something you really want right now, be honest
cuddles and to be watching a shot of love

Three feelings at the moment?
happy
scared
tired

Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
this morning at 8am.

Does anything hurt on your body?
my back..kinda.

Who was the last person to disappoint you?
myself.

Do you still talk to that person?
lolol

What are you listening to right now?
Say all i need; one republic

Have you ever punched a hole in the wall?
no sir.

Do you know someone in jail?
uh, i don't think so.

Where were you at 2:00 this morning?
on the wrong side of the bed

Where's the weirdest place you've changed clothes?
a portapotty? gross.

Who are you in love with?
ugh.

What's the cd in your player?
basically fifa 08 mix. hahah

Anywhere you'd rather be right now?
yeah, anywhere besides otown

Are you going anywhere for the next summer?
negative.

Do you have plans today?
naps, movie watching, sleeping.

Are you waiting for anyone's call right now?
no, but hopeful.

Will you call them if they don't call?
probably not

Who are your last two texts from?
oh- you mean my last two mass txts?--LAME

Whats your current favorite color?
yellow

Have you trespassed?
not recently. .

Do you put ketchup on top of your french fries or on the side?
on the side

Ever had a near death experience?
no, but my car accident was scary

something you do alot?
smile

Do you want to see somebody right now?
:)

Would you ever take one of your ex's back?
not if nothing has changed, you know.

What did you do Friday night?
last friday? went to kylas party.

Whats your favorite smell?
abercrombie&poppers.

Do you like to sleep?
when i actually get some

Have you ever been kissed in the rain?
no

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night?
not even close

Are you close with your mother?
pretty tight

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
daily

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with P?
HA

What are you thinking about right now?
him

Do you have any bruises?
nope

Are your parents over the age of 40?
yep.

What are you looking forward to in the next 5 days?
no school for 3 days.
gay sleep overs
almost being done school this week

Do you like hugs?
depends.

Do you live near your best friend?
one of them

Is there anybody that you trust 100%?
foolishly

Are you satisfied with your life right now?
i feel like my life is pretty phenomenal right now

Whats some bad news you received lately?
no pants at lulu lemon..ugh

What did you do last night?
ate a blizzrd, had a fashion show, cleaned, laughed all night.

What color is the nail polish on your nails?
red

What color is your bedspread?
grey/pink

Do you miss anybody right now?
yes

Are you in a fight with a friend right now?
no.

Does love frighten you?
loves gross :)

Are you wearing makeup?
barely, i still look like a mess

Will you leave the house without makeup on?
yeaauh im lazy.

Have you ever fallen for your best friend's guy?
lolol no.

Can you walk into a room full of strangers and maintain your confidence?
depends if there ugly or not.

Are you getting back together with your exboyfriend?
.. i feel like my exboyfriend wrote this survey.

Does anybody hate you?
i'm sure many.

Do you like anyone?
a little bit

Speaking of which, ever been hit on by a much, much older person?
no.

How do you feel about Hello Kitty?
i don't really care.

If someone gave you $100,000 to shave your head, would you?
..no

Do small children like you?
they fucking love me

How often to you dream of zombies?
i don't at all, ever.

Do you think mushrooms are cool-looking?
not when there slapping my face

What happened at 11:00 am?
i got home from school

Did you receive anything special today?
no, nothing in the mail :(

Would you ever get a lip tattoo? What would it say?
MGDW

Are you having a good day today?
kinda sub par.

Do you prefer big dogs or small dogs?
i'm an equal opportunity dog lover

Have you had to get your tonsils removed?
no

Do you ever write in pencil anymore?
yeah, scantron ruins lives.

"my hearts beating so fast right now"
"can i feel it?"