the bullet or the chapstick

"I couldn't sleep so I took a pill, with a dirty glass of water from a low pressure hell, Someone buy a round before my liver fails and you know it will"

i'm not really sure what to write about today. my day was lack luster and un eventful, the comments in class were a litter dumber than the normal, the ones you would expect 9am monday but all in and all a predictable day. my hair was dechevealed from the heat like most days this month, fake smiles in the hall just to be polite as your passing each other and slight vag lockdown. typical. tonight instead of being a productive student, finishing my layout, i swam, tanned and napped, watched tv.. and soon i need to start packing up odds and ends for the weekend in mine and kares new apartment. side tracked, as always, i deicded to paint my nails which is now causing me to type akwardly trying not to stain my keys with smears of "valentine." bad plan. however, side tracking is keeping me from feeling sick to my stomach about the topic of the a&r breaktime vent session. even writing about it now, i have that uneasy feeling where you just feel like your insides are sinking. ugh anyways. i need a fucking drink. that seems to be the strategy lately, when in doubt, drink, heavy, and fast. at this rate i should already be half a bottle in tonight.
..now that my night is narrated.

coordinate brain and mouth

"this shall too pass"
as always, the words spilled out faster than i could pour my drink
i know to many secrets for my own good.
i have to many secrets for my own good.

lunchdate with keifer.
it's been to long.

tomorrow: get keys to apt. :D
friday: ink/ cleaning house/ moving shit in.

stellar.

side note:
smut filled entry to be added later.
excitment anticipated.
♥
(not because of keifer, ew.)

new day in a life that you hate

remember that time we went up to present
and the teacher took our sheet and crossed everything out and told us we were wrong
and then made us stand there and told us we were wrong some more. haha
glad i went to class.
lol.

she was the joke
and you were the punchline.
all day today.
exactly what my tuesday afternoons need.
drink fest tonight?


the sun and i apparently dont co-ordinate this week.
BOO.
" im not trying to come onto you, i dont find you attractive."
"haha thanks.."
<3.

standing trial for your sins

"It's taken me 50,000 separate wrecks to get here, And I've learned absolutely nothing. As I'm standing here alone, upright and motionless, I'm drowning in his sea. The rising and sinking of every consciousness I've ever known. Now detached and disconnected. The endless cycle of idea and action, Endless invention, endless experiment, endless hope and endless disappointment. And I thought all I needed was just one breath to stay afloat. For me it was like... like the breath, the last breath, the last breath that I never wanted. "

so call it quits or get a grip

i dont know how much weed i smoked tuesday night but my body is still fcked.
1.i can't wait to just hurry up and move out.
2. during this entry i hit the delete button 67890 times and erased the real version, and came up with the happier, reader friendly bullshit version.
3. i want to watch more skins.
4. ♥ broken social scene.



so these would be the 4 inch come fuck me birthday girl shoes
to match the come fuck me birthday girl dress.
can we say hot much?
i dont know if im more excitted about strippers, my outfit or actually turning 19.
i will no longer be the desgniated chip bringer :)
still young enough to be an excitting lay but old enough to legally become an alcoholic and develop lung cancer.

looks like i won't be around

i wish i didn't notice it last night
and i wish they werent more observant than me.
i don't go around spewing my weekly delemias to everyone for the most part
but they already knew maybe it was the look in my eyes that gave me away
then again there became a common understanding for that look in my eye as the night progessed.
actually, a common understanding for a lot seemed to develop.
words changed to exchange of looks, and exchange of looks turned to smiles
and as much as we'd all love to deny it or change it, we won't.. or maybe don't want to

goodbye you liar

tidbits

pick apart my brain.
10 movies
1. spun 2.requiem for a dream 3. young people fcking 4. beverly hill billies 5. lord of war 6. matchstick men 7.love actually 8. half neilson 9.40yr old virgin 10. the fugitive
9 songs
1. she won't know- BN, 2. juno- tokyo police club, 3. we're so beyond this- the reason,4 a millie- lil wayne, 5. anti matter- n.e.r.d, 6. scanners- low life 7. every nose- n.e.r.d 8. sleeping sickness- city&colour, 9. little bit- lykee li
8 people
AV, AW,BG, LT, KB,KC,KR, SC.
7 words
"we're so controversial, we are entirley smooth."
6 favourites right now
1. flipflops, 2.taning oil, 3.kmart, 4.messy buns, 5.schwarma, 6.late night giggles.
5 to do's
1. tan more 2. dye hair asap 3. paint apt 4. more ink 5.new percing.
4 live withouts
1.drama 2.liars 3. my vag on lockdown 4. nagging btches
3 words to describe me
quirky, fun, akward.. in a good way.
2 things i love
1. people who surprise me 2. ditto.
1quote:
""In the end - just like I said - I left everything, and everyone. But no one, no one has ever left me."

overated: relationships, ae, beer, facebook, putting up with shit you don't need to, a clean room, cuddles while sleeping, big tits, short hair, black hair, dancing with the stars, straight edgeness, scene kids, laptops, being sober, being a prep, being cocky and SH

underated: cigars, openess, trust, friends who can tell anything two, promises, brand new, blogs, hugs, how sexual the neck/clavicals are, laughing, drama free, people who can just relax, falling asleep with a smile, cuddles during movies, eye contact that gives you butterflies, weed, girl talk, bodmod, ink, not feeling obligated.

i love people who:share my love for cardigans, brandnew, vodka, pot, extreme laughs and akward situations that arent.
i love peple who: enjoy a good bashing sesh, bonding sesh or sesh 9.
i love people who: dress like a hipster train conductor.
i love people who: understand what im thinking just by making eye contact or saying " i wouldnt... but i definintly did."
i hate people who: always bitch, always have something to complain about, are never satisfied.
and i hate people who dont comment..ugh.lol

chose to keep your teenage tragedy

he asked why i was smiling when he kissed me.
i said i didn't know.

the pot made my heart pound
the vodka made my body rush
you made my head spin.

i woke up a mess.
tangled in your stupid sheets.
analysing the events of the night.

" he'd be like, i just ate a bagel".
" i hate dancing with the stars"
>twitch<
i love substance abuse derived laughs.


a smile perma plastered on my face for a night.

so play little player

You and your soapy eyes
Called it off so late at night
But your hand's on your heart
Cause your head's always right
I'm gonna go back for the science
I'm gonna stay for the decimals
No one will laugh or know the difference
Same old, same old

you know your type.

i'm not your lover, i'm not your friend

warning. actual feelings blog.
so you may not want to read. lol
you've been warned.

i think some people get to used to certain people, they are never able to be completly open without any pretenses. i think some people get so used to having to hide everything. that when they are in a situation even when they can tell you everything-- they don't, for whatever reason they always need to hide something. i am not one of those people, but more and more people seem to be. and it starts get really frustrating because those people dont know how to react to me.. and even though i am open-- it doesn't mean i dont have feelings. and it doesnt mean that sometimes i wouldnt rather be a priority, not an option-- or even that sometimes just hearing something nice-- would be a great change. i still have alot that people don't know about me, or more that i want to know about some people, but how do i even go about asking or telling when half the time i dont even think im being taken seriously.

i notice alot of the small things,
and thepeople who notice the small things about me-- how im hesitant to call people, because i hate the phone or the way my face lights up when some people are around, or how when i get quiet, im sometimes upset. or the way my lips slightly part when some people are talking to me because im to nervous to actually say what im thinking. it's the people who notice these little gestures about me, who even began to sometime understand why i do the things i do. those are the people who are reading this and smiling, not the ones who are " i didn't know renee did that."

theres a difference between the people who actually listen to what your saying
or just wait for there turn to talk.

true story.

I used to pray like God was listening

"I've become, the simple souvenir of someone's guilt. Like the sea, I'm constantly changing from calm to ill. Madness fills my heart and soul. As if the great divide could swallow me whole"

I used to care i was being cared for.

"SPITTERS ARE QUITTERS"
goodtimes.


i am the s l o p p i e s t drunk ever.
another outfit stained with vodkacran and wishful thinking.
kgb's birthday was a hot fucking mess.
not akward, phenomenal.
then again i should of known the night was looking up after my chat with ms auste.
" he got this huge smile on his face..but the smile totally didn't even go away. It was the cutest thing"
"now mine won't go away-- i'm so lame"
"no your not, i was smiling for you."

mmmmm.

I used to be so original

i dont know what i wanted more today.
more sleep or you.

the day kinda bluured from left over giddyness from late night girl chats.

tonights kare bday.
hopefully not to akward since i dont talk to half the people there anymore.
nothing excess alcohol can't fix. isn't that always the case?

"drink to the future.
heres to everything after the sun sets tonight"

i used to be such a burning example

Sheridan She says: (10:33:17 PM)
hahaha
Sheridan She says: (10:33:19 PM)
aw
Sheridan She says: (10:33:31 PM)
see what happens when you give the milk away for free?
Sheridan She says: (10:33:38 PM)
you fail media
ren bbm makes me cry, says: (10:33:46 PM)
lol
ren bbm makes me cry, says: (10:33:52 PM)
actually laughing.
Sheridan She says: (10:34:06 PM)
:)

i hate bbm.
i still dont even know wtf bbm stands for.
my only saving grace for tom. will be buying that hot little slinky dress at lunch.
f u c k m y l i f e.

trying not to see you as her worst mistake

"she was bad news, she smoked her cigarettes slow."

vodka + pot+ you; are my favourite indudlgences right now.
last night was nice, in a, the vodka couldnt get in me fast enough kind of way and the stories couldnt wait to get out. late night chats and giggles, and talks that make you realize "awww". you know the kind. i know i've said it a million times before, but people who can make you smile, i mean, really smile, the kind all the way up to your ears, are my favourite. even when nothings being said, they can still make you smile. . or maybe that was the substance abuse, but no, actually... haha, they still do.
a n y w a y s.
fuck i need some sun today, but i really need to do my art shit too. i'm actually kind of stoked to go start painting it right now.
on that note, i'm gonna go do that.