[37]

but how do i feel this good sober?

this week was a slew of boring classes, new professors, a bottle of malibu, chunli's reign and the usual no show on a friday morning class. one girl agaisnt five boys, and i still won 25 rounds and probably couldn't have looked cuter doing it. (just saying.) i'm almost back to being poor from random dinners out and over priced caf. food (good thing that text book raked me in $12.00, SCORE!) this week the budget is $10.00 in small change. is that even possible? we'll see. the characters in my class continue to become more animated and even more irritating, however my fingers are still crossed for that dream group. (no not DT, that girl who asks to many questions and the bipolar dj). my love life continues to get even more interesting when life turns into the movies and he shows up at my door at 2am ♥ to bad were just "friends with benefits." how embarassing.

[ 36 ]

this is the first night i'm sleeping in my oakville bed in over a month. it's a little more comfortable than i remembered, which was a plesant surprise. actually, tonight is the first time in over a month that i've really taken a good look at my room. my perfumes scattered on my dresser, my calander that should have been changed months ago and my desk which has to much personality to be considered just a "boy" desk. i think i missed my room, being surrounding in all my stuff is kind of comforting, especially since i have no company in my bed. i'm only two classes in this week and already i find my self doodling and not paying attention, more concerned wether im going to make it in time for the bottomless lunch at swiss challet before 2:30 (which i did, and it was kind of over ratted, but we made out like banchees with the garlic bread). being with new (but really; old) classmates is weird. i forgot about alot of their quirks. the way we smile and i know exactly what shes thinking, the way his shirts hover; some how defying gravity, the look on her face when she disaproves of who i'm talking to if it's not her, the way everytime i hear his voice i'm reminded that he whiped it out for everyone to see. (i didn't see--thank god) there are some actual new classmates, and so far thats interesting but at the same time pretty lack luster. except for this one girl who likes to answer every question, i feel like she may inspire me to go to class more, especially with the chance of her partner being someone who no one is really sure whats his first name and whats his last name and during their presentation a possibility of a dj throwdown on desks with graffiti. i don't know about you- but my fingers are crossed.

until next time.
love.

[ 36 ]

you said its just like the present to be showing up like this.
of course after 3 years, he couldnt tell me face to face he had a new girlfriend
of course after 3 years, i couldnt tell him that i had a new boyfriend.
so we sat akwardly, and tried to pretend like everything was fine.
of course he could now play every last spill canvas song
of course i was still struggling with wonderwall.
so we sat akwardly, with eyes that still cared for each other.
of course i could still tell he was in love with me.
of course my eyes told a different story.
so we sat akwardly, ignoring the past and begun to rewrite the present.

[ 35 ]

and so my plans fall through again. and the car battery dies, i'm stuck at home that much longer. my phone has no texts and my inbox has no messages, remember when i was cool? ha. what a shitty day.

i wish he still wrote.
i wish we were still gay.

[ 35 ]

i read every line exchanged. i read every suggestive comment laced with bad intentions from the past. i read the truth of a liar.
we fell asleep pinky swearing. i wondered if his fingers were crossed, or if i should cross mine. a moment suspended in time. command me on what to do, but we both know that neither you or i are in control. sometimes i think were kind of cute, and wonder if anyone else see's it. i think the uber gay smiles are a give away.

school in 2 days. bring it.

[ 33 ]

so you play the mistaken and i'll play the victim in our screenplay of desire. i'm still writing the letters i'll never send.

i'm not sure what it is lately. maybe it's the weather, maybe it's the music or maybe i've been like this all along. a constant feeling of being alone of that sinking feeling that no matter how hard you smile, you're still sinking. it's over whelming. i don't know whats wrong with me. i can't sleep. i don't want to eat. i've been falling asleep with tears for a week. i can't remember the last time i didn't have a headache. dfhgjk;;

ps. i've lost 5 pounds.

[ 32 ]

it's worse than i thought
(he sings too)
"I’ll try to decide when she’ll lie in the end. I ain’t got no fight in me, In this whole damn world. telling you to hold off, she said hold on it’s the one thing that I’ve known. once I put my coat on and how I know its all wrong. she standing outside holding me saying "oh please I’m in love, i’m in love." girl save your soul, go on save your soul. before it’s to far gone and before nothing can be done."

[ 31 ]

listen.

I said i know it well: that secret that we know that we don't know how to tell. i'm in love with your honor. i'm in love with your cheeks.

inbox ( 1 ).
it eats away at her.
her heart your hands.
and i said i know it all to well.

[ 30 ]

come on skinny love just last the year
pour a little salt we were never here
I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

[ 29 ]

And the story's all over you, In the morning i'll call you. can't you find a clue when your eyes are all painted sinatra blue? what might have been lost

my new years didn't involve kodak moments or stilletos. my fancy dress that was to short to be considered respectable remained unworn and layed out on my bed and the drinks we were all sure i was going to spill everywhere, never got spilled. i'm not sure if i regret not going out, but it really didn't matter, i was kissing who i wanted to be at midnight.
the next two days were quiet but nice. questions built up in my mind that i never got the courage to ask. of course he didnt notice the tears swelling up in my eyes when i was thinking of them. i look down and smile.

we loved. we laughed. we painted. we smiled. we ate (probably to much).

in 2008:
i've loved, i've lost , i've grown up, made amazing new friends and fallen in love all while trying to take everything in. the decisions i made, although not always the right ones have determined who i am today. i'm excitted for what 2009 has instore for me :).

[ 28 ]

and so the lion fell in love with the lamb, what a stupid lamb, what a sick masochistic lion

i've found myself in oakville the last three days. laughing, smiling, and realizing how much i actually missed him.
last night, he took me on a mystery date. him? planning a date? paying? i was pretty baffled. but happy, and excitted none the less. first stop: we went to a little sushi place, (that ended up to be the best sushi of my life.) clearly i struggled with the chopsticks and made a mess. he really can't take me anywhere. after din we ended up at the movies, to see twlight. i would have been skeptical- i'm really not into the whole vampire thing, but he saw it in san diego, and said it reminded him of us. which intrigued me. after 20 minutes of watching, i saw it too. although edward was a little more dreamy, and bella had better hair was more shy and a little but more akward (and there was that whole vampire issue.) edward had a terrible habit of always saving her life. he was bad news and warned her.."i trust you".."don't." / "i've waited my whole life for a girl like you-- you're different"/i feel like they read my blogs to make half of the dialouge. my night was simple, but i felt so content.

and then he whispered
i love you
your my life now.

[ 27]

note to self;

i miss you terribly

and of the middle of boxing day throwdown hour:

"your earings are sick, where'd you get them?"
"adrenaline, in toronto.. they're spacers"
"wtf they're spacers?! You dont seem like the type of girl to strech her ears!"
"no?"
"well if you were to stretch your ears.."
"i would be the girl to put diamonds in them?"
"yea"

what the hell does that mean.
ugh.

[ 26 ]

Let'smakehistorystop


<- thats kitty :)♥
her face is flat but i still love her.

tomorrow i'm venturing to the malls; 15$ cardigans and 100$ leather boots? say no more.
there will be bloodshed.

two sleeps.
only two sleeps.
eeeee.

[ 25]

i couldnt really sleep last night, i'm almost 20
and i still get excitted over santa.
christmas has come and gone and will be officially over in 2 hours. i didn't need anything really, but i got everything i could have wanted and then some. (except for him.)
as phenomenal as the gifts were, as good as the food as, as much fun as i had with my family, it wasn't complete in my mind.
no matter how occupied i was, or what gift i was fiddling with, in the end it all came down to a lack of his presence.

it's weird how used to you get to people. i found myself using phrases like " i feeel like" and repeating the last words of my sentence twice to often today. of course no one really caught on, but i noticed. and every time i noticed, id start to smile and then they would notice. say something funny renee. so i did, all day, i made them laugh so they weren't distracted by my smile.

within the smiles, it still seemed oddly somber. one of my aunt/uncle/cousins showed up who initially weren't comming. my uncle has cancer and although it was getting better, it' gotten alot worse, and is going to continue to go that way, or so they say. he was quiet, but polite, and tried to make akward eyecontact as less akward as possible. it was a different kind of sadness, not out right, but sadness in that he was now appreciating everything. his wife; his son; our family. he took it all in from the way he looked at us to the stupid christmas hats we wore. his smiles remained sincere, as did his hugs.
i suppose it's more important to live, than live forever.


i think i ate enough food today to feed 10 afircan countries...for a year.
good thing my new pjs bottoms are stretch :)
thats so key.

[ 24 ]

if you go into burlington coat factory with 645 dollars, you are treated like a king.
A KING

i could have been asleep hours ago.
but like most nights, it's restless anyways.
i'm becomming quite good at finding mindless ways to occupy me, until i can't keep my eyes open anymore and my body is forced to sleep.
tonight, it was more MTV true life, i really dont know how i was living life without this show. this episode was a look at 3 people "i'm happy to be fat", shawradna who claims she wasn't happy and had no cofidence untill she reached 340pounds. roxie, a plump drama student who after contimplating suicide, decided she was happy with her body and spent the epsiode lusting after one of her classmates who couldn't have been any less interested. And then there was the guy, who i can't recall his name, but saying he was over 600lbs would not be exaggerating. he wanted nothing more than a long term relationship rather than being objectified as a sexual object, his solution? starting a chubbychaser organization in his home town. fat and happy really? could this be possible? the one girls thigh was probably 10inches bigger than my waist, and she's more confident than me? ohwait, it was probably her ginourmus 40DD's. goodcall renee, goodcall.

after MTV was youtube familyfued worst game show answers. and news bloopers
"name what month you start to begin showing your pregnant" "september."
"and up next a man who climbed mount everest, but there's a twist--he's gay!"..."i mean blind, i don't know where gay came from.."

annnd then shortly after i made my way to watching the office. toby comes back and michael and dwight device a plan to frame him so they buy pot for 500$ and hide it in toby's desk and call the cops. lolol.
"when toby came back, i felt like neve campbell in scream 2. she thinks she's happy and goes back to college, but then when she gets back the murderer is there. it's just mean."

tired, but laughing.
i really hope i dont have to blog about my late night tv escapades for to much longer.
ugh.
no texts, guess i'm off to sleep.