[ 64 ]

it's hard being left behind. i wait for him, not always knowing where he is, wondering what is holding his interest this time. it's hard to be the one who stays. i keep myself busy. time goes faster that way. i go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. i take walks. i work until i'm tired. i watch the wind play with the trash that's been under the snow all winter. everything seems simple until you think about it. why is love intensified by absence? now i wait for him. he vanishes unwillingly, without warning. i wait for him. each moment that i wait feels like a year, an eternity. each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. through each moment i can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. why has he gone where i can not follow?

[ 63 ]

^{i'd pull my weight if it made any difference
now he's waiting in line for the last confession}

i always forget the quirks of my parents house untill i revist: how the upstairs dvd player never works for more than two hours, how the tv is abnormally small for the wall unit around it and how we never seem to have what i want to snack on.ps. did i mention how the remote's 0,3, 2 and 1 buttons arent working. (we only catch chanels: 06,09, 11, 13, 29, and 31) ugh.

yesterday i spent the greater portion of the day brainstorming ideas for my portfolio. while in T.O i found out my cousins husband is in touch with a few creative directors around the city :) so sick. (T.O was un eventful, i found my way into a 23+ club, where the people were lame and the drinks were over priced. the rest was spent lounging and shopping.)

the city seems to have his heart,
and yet he has mine.

[ 62 ]

on days like today, his old words comfort me.
my insides are still jumbled, and my mind is somewhere else.
and it went like this.

i know that i love you
i think you love me.
but when your thoughts
are evaluated,
certainty is no more
and we are tested.

you were never in jeopardy
but the best part of me.

i know that confusion
has come and gone
but the feelings
that endure, are here today

i know i love you
and i know that i want you
ill wait a few days
since you make me this way

i love you now
and i love you today
you are the one

[ 61 ]

1. a picture of you in your room.


2. a picture with someone you don't actually like.


3. a picture of you very drunk.


4. a picture of you on your birthday, or your favourite holiday.


5. the youngest picture you can find of yourself in digital form.


6. a picture of you in one of your favourite outfits.


7. a picture of you making a goofy face at the camera.


8. a picture you miiiiiight have edited to make yourself more attractive.


9. a picture of a night you regret...


10. a picture of you truly being yourself.


11. the most recent picture of you.


12. a picture of you being absolutely ridiculous.


13. a picture of you showing off a new haircut/color.


14. a picture of a time in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't.
if it's over. i'm glad it's over. next.

15. a picture of a time in your life that's over, and you couldn't be more thankful that it is.


16. a picture of you when you were anything but happy...


17. a picture of you that you had no idea was being taken.


18. a picture of you when you were a different person than you are now.


19. a picture of you with someone you love.


20. a picture of how you'd like the world to see you.


21. a picture that describes how you'd like to spend every day.


22. a picture of a time when everything was changing.


23. a picture that makes your heart hurt.


24. a picture that makes your heart smile.


25. A picture of one of the best nights of your life. (or day)

[ 60 ]

"are you seeing anyone renee?"
"mhm this boy from my class, for a few months"
"what do you like about him?"
"they way he makes me smile.."
"thats cute"
"he's cute, i told him i was going to marry him".

[ 59 ]

"last night i spelt with alphabet pretzles alone". .
the last three nights i often wonder how my relationship continues to find it's way on some new path. not the yellow brick road kind, the kind your taking to your cottage, thats always kinda sketchy and probably isn't even a road, it just looks like the middle of a hill opened up and people decided that theyd rather drive down the openind then detour for another 2 hours to get where they need to be. anyways the point of this entry isnt to describe the wilderness. the point of this entry is so straighten out my head. as usual, wednesday was a train wreck. only it was so much worse this time. the fight didnt end and i've never been talked to like that in my life. i felt heartbroken that someone, anyone could say to me what was said that afternoon. so i left. i was shaking, trembling, and i left. i couldn't get out of their faster. i didnt want to sit at home in my cold apartment so i went t my parents house, to relax. i turned off my phone so no one could be in my head. i didnt even want to be in my head at this point. i didnt talk to him for a day and a half. and when he finally saw me i didnt know if he wanted to kill me or hate me or would be glad to see me. they way it all then went down, i wasn't expecting. i wasn't expecting to be called crazy again, i was expecting to hear that he felt like our relationship was beccoming a hassle, i deffininty wasn't expecting to be shaking waiting for him to say lets break up. i said i was sorry that i worried him so much, but i needed me time. i'm sorry i didnt talk to you, i didnt talk to anyone, i just needed to get away. he said that he was going to toronto for 5 days almost imediatly after. with all the shaking ive done in the last week im surprised i don't have parkinsins already. i wondered if the next few months would be a ploy to try and hurt me the way i hurt him. i think thats what did it for me. the look in his eyes when he saw me. their was no love. no excittment, just cold, unwelcoming eyes. ever since i walked back in his apartment, he hasn't looked at me like he used to. he doesn't touch my skin the way he used to. he seem's disconnected, and kept reminding me that i wasn't the reason why he's been smiling these two weeks. another night, i fall asleep shaking. i've appoligized but it's not the same.
nothings the same.
so what am i supposed to do. i'm trying to be happy. all day i listened to him talk about his interviews, internships, and potential new life in toronto. its weird. at times like these you want your relationship to be its strongest when new people are entering your lives on a daily basis, when your growing up and moving away. and yet, i've never felt so insecure in mine. i'm so used to sleeping with him, smelling him, taking him in, rubbing is back. and i won't be seeing him for 6 days. i won't be kissing him or telling him that i love him. i'll wondering. not wether hes cheating, or wether hes actuallly working. i'll be wondering if he's thinking of me now and then, or if he misses me at all, and what he'll be missing most.
i want him to be successful, i want to marry best art director of toronto, and live in a huge apartment with a mini pony named samson and a bulldog. but even if i don't have that, i just want him. and i just want him to want me. i'm most worried about getting left behind and lost among the stress of it all.

i want to be the reason he smiles every morning.
but i also want him to be the reason i smile every morning.

[ 58 ]

i just wanted you to tell me you loved me. that you had missed me or even looked like you were excitted to see me. i just needed reassurance i was still the only one for you. but you didn't, you didn't notice my tears right beside you, the damp stain on your pillow or the wet marks on my cheeks when i was making your juice. i stayed up, just to talk to you, and as soon as you got home, you went back to him. i was excitted to tell you about my parents asking about you, and how my ads turned out, or how i got completly lost on the highway and missed my exit but managed to find my way.
but it's ok.
another day i suppose.
when the smiles are real and my cheeks are dry.
when your life has time for me and my stories again.

[ 57 ]

let's play a love game.

[ 56 ]

everything about today was familiar. the restaurant, the laughs, the usual conversation topics; "chase msgd me the other day, his ears are at 5/8ths now". we went back to his house, which was alot colder than i remembered but none the less patchie didn't have food or water, like usual , but was sketchily excitted to see me as usual. our friendship is weird now, tainted, and lost all high school innocence. but it was nice to get away from oakville bullshit, i could finally relax from my racing thoughts. or so i thought, like most saturdays i'm spending the night alone in my dundas bed. only, your not sleeping alone in yours tonight..

[ 55 ]

this weekend i am utterly fucked, my layouts are due at 1pm monday, and yet i sit at home in dundas, with no intentions of going to the mac lab atleast until sunday night. 19 years, and my time management skills continue to decline exponetially (while my trust issues continue to increase.) i have been deemed by some, a reason for potential failure. that i am making life to hard, and of course i'm the one being selfish. i, on the other hand. don't seem to see eye to eye on this issue. i see my self, as the contrary, being extremly selfless. i'm trying to pick my battles, but every day it's the same one. and it will be, for as long as we are. and for some, their two picks for future business partners, are well, less than favourable? one tried to fuck me in a closet and the other i'm sure has more than a few things in common with 7/11. the first being that her mouth and legs never close.
but atlast, this will be the last time i bring this up, because we will never see eye to eye on this one.
i will never put being unhappy over being successful.
that's for damn sure.

[ 54 ]

i don't want to know.
even though i know.
guess i know.
i just hate how it sounds.

[ 53 ]

he gave me a painting he painted.
i cooked curry and rice (which was phe nom en al )
he cooked rizoto (samesies)
with apple toaster struddle for desert.
we were cute.
i felt in love.
i could get used to this whole vday thing.

[ 52]

in my life, (and by life i mean more so relationships) history always seem to have a way of repeating it's self. of course, at the time, one repeated event doesn't seem to be history repeating. but soon enough, the patterns always show up. however they always seem to be reversed. the most recent occurence just happened 20 minutes ago. My last relationship ended for several reasons, but really came down to me moving away, starting a new life, and wanting to meet and expierence new people. i didn't see it as being a problem, i just saw it as i'm growing up and doing what i need to do to make sure i get ahead. if you don't look out for yourself it's not like anyone else is going to. Anyways, when i told my then boyfriend about moving away, he didn't see it as, good for you. he saw it as, what about me? what about us? are we not important enough to get through this? fast forward my life a little over a year later and i'm now wondering what about us? what about my new relationship. he just applied for an internship in toronto, and has intentions to move to toronto i would suspect in april. that means a long distance relationship, new people and new feelings. i know how his last long distance relationship worked, and i'm not going to be destroyed like that. not to be pesimistic, but, today i watched his eyes wander to check out countless girls and i'm in the chair beside him. or wednesday, the disregard of my feelings for networking? i'm all up for networking, and keeping people close, but when i walk in and shes laying in his nook, it destroyed me inside. it destroyed me watching him do nothing to the point i had to grab school work and study for a test because watching them together was to much. so what happens when he's in toronto and does nothing again, and just let's it all happen. so now what? what happens in two months? am i just waiting around to get my heart broken?
so much for romance and vday blogginig.

[ 51 ]

looking at those pictures made me happy.
i have a love hate relationship with pizza pockets.
so good but really, there always way to hot to ever enjoy.
i'm not to sure about these bangs.

[ 50 ]

drunks, lovers, sinners and saints.