i hope she's caught in the explosion

and after it all.
you still make me nervous.
in the best way possible.

"did you get it all sorted out with .."
"if i said no would i be the worst person ever?"
"no, me and .. are here for you, always remember that"

so i'm not sure what rattled me more.
the phenomenal friend texts or the friend that used to think i was phenomenal.

red, gold, i told.

falling of the face of the earth for a few days was probably the best thing i could have done, finally, stress free. no FB, no msn, no blog and no phone. and still, with everything off, i managed to get into a little trouble avec a certain fave girlfriend $130 later, 16 drinks in, "SHOTTY ORANGE." fumbling cigarettes and discussing top 2's while warding off creep shows, i felt myself again. my heart stopped feeling so heavy.
the rest of the weekend i was occupied with friends and family, and T.O sunday for a bridal shower.

i've calmed down, listened to some BN and C&C, come to terms that i'm going to look into poligimy and marry jesse lacey, dallas green, and david beckham will be tied up in my closet. .. and maybe memphis from bb. im such a sucker for a vneck.

smile
♥
the old renee is back in the game.

we were contenders

mmm ink pentrating skin. when your getting tattooed, it's the strangest feeling, i've heard it described as scratching a sun burn repeatedly, or having your belly button peirced over and over. sounds rather excrutiating, doesn't it? when i got the side of my ribs done, it was..this weird mix of pain and also pleasure. the needle felt like it was right on my bones, vibrating my entire body for an hour. every letter felt like it would never be finished, after about a half hour in, my body went numb and only noticed the pain when he hit really sensitive spots. the pleasure maybe was more intriguing; some fully tattooed kinda cute kinda funny but not funny looking man was constantly injecting ink under my skin. he paid attention to every detail, taking breaks when my sighs of pain got more noticible. i've been thinking about getting a new tattoo for a bit now, an elephant from the temptation of st. anthony painting either down the otherside of my ribs or down my back.


how do we feel about this?

it hurts a whole lot but it's missed when it's gone

sometimes it's my head or my back that hurts. other times it's my heart or my bones.

i'm feeling a bit better, being a sulky emo kid really gets you know where in life. the sinking feeling is slowly fading, or being pushed back away like usual. i'm excitted about potential plans this week- which probably wont happen since im the only one excitted for plans, ever. another aspect getting me know where in life, over excittment. but i really hate note being any fun.


i need adventure this week.
and spontinaity.
nothing to extreme, but hopefully trouble and good friends come my way.


:)
ps, new song, put up your speakers

play crack the sky

oakville is so lonely. dont take it personally if i seem more needy then usually. my first legit week of living on my home and i miss all the comforts of my house already, my rents, my grumpy cat even just having someone to come home to know- knowing some one else is in the house whenever i like. -- it's weird. i can see myself changing just from feeling alone all the time. i know ive only been in oakville a week but, i get so quiet all the time. i just smile now to be polite, just so people won't ask me " what's up."all this week i've had to text everyone to make plans, half the time i never get a response back, the other half the time i'm just looking for people to text me, just to see what's up. you know what i mean? i'm not adjusting to this whole lonely thing to well.. especially at night, the house seems even more empty. i sit in my room and i can't sleep. i over think everything and stress myself out. i feel like i'm no fun because i'm so un happy right now it's unreal. i hate feeling like i have no one to talk to about shit like this without feeling like they dont wan't to hear it or will think i'm dumb.

ugh.


whoa. cheer up emo kid.
teenage angst is apparently making a comeback.



make me smile.

I am paid to spill my guts

i did it. i am offically moved in. our apartment only gives me the heebee jeebes at night, in the day time our house is phenom. i feel so achomplished. we painted the house, did the designs, moved ourself, i helped my faja build my bed and desk while i built my dresser by myself (with occasional assistance from when i built the drawers backwards LOL.) and placed all our homey knickknacks here and there. it's cute. who knew i had it in me. i'm quite satisfied. i've accepted the change from moving, it's the change that may come with it i'm still nervous about, or the people.

so my first offical night in oakville last night i went to a "party" in the apts. becuase 2 weeks wasn't enough i thought id taunt myself being exactly a floor under. the "party" consisted of 10 people, 2.5 of which were the only dece ones there, kgb being one of them. this other dece person, said something to me, and caught me completely off guard

" i thought you were this really nice girl, i was actually super disapointed in you, when she told me."
ouch-- they continued "don't you feel bad?"
lying to myself obviously i said "no"
"you should, you deserve better than that."
lying again "it's not like that"


you can't keep a secret if it never was a secret to start, right?

The ship of fools I'm on will sink.

" You have six smiles. Did you know that?"

"what?"

"one when something really makes you laugh. and one when you're just laughing out of politeness. one when you're making plans and one when you're making fun of yourself. one when you're uncomfortable and one when you're talking about your friends."

---------------------
in other news, i'm packed and ready to be domestic al tomorrow morning. stage 3 of oakvilian status will commence at 8am tomorrow morning. i have so much news and excittment, and can't wait for monday for a certain someone :) and hopefully they can't wait either.
true story.

it's all be done and its all been said

rocket popsicle fish bowls = ♥

long tipsy talks of life are probably what ive missed and craved most over the break. atlast- my week was some what fufilled. i havent had a night where my face hurt from smiling in a while. much appreciated and deserved.
i finally feel like the old little renee again, happy, giggly, caught up on gossip and knowing way to much of all the wrong peoples business. :)
tomorrow is step 2 in the final 3 of moving in, groceries and clothes galore drop off. step 3 comes friday, building the rest of my furniture. by sunday i shall offically be an oakvillian, and will still have the luxury of my car untill sept 12.

dear readers i'm looking for;
a somewhat drunken night, skins, laughs and chats and to be thrown around to mgmt.or. versus the mirror.
preferrably versus the mirror. mmm
surprise me.
cause i'm sure gonna surprise you.

suspended like spirits over speeding cars

girls night details were enough to make me feel sick to my stomach, the entire story was unraveled tonight, the actual truth came out-- who actually has your best intentions.


"Here you stand seething with guilt, Silence only justifies this act of cowardice. With a short story, the one you add to daily, you are the tragic loss. No story book ending for this fairy tale of you."

sunday best and broken glass

i almost knew id be doing it to myself
slipping into the softest a&f sweater of my life
i still hadnt washed it since last time i wore it, therefore naturally smelling like a mix of my old perfume, you and your stupid sheets.
and i was doing so well trying to keep busy too.
ugh.

my house is offically painted and looks phenom.
my vomit streaky room is only slightly akward, it actually feels like our home now, not just some crack house were squatting. all thats left is to move my bedroom furniture up tuesday, build my desk, and figure out wtf is going on with our "dinning room" table.

today's T.O
heres the outfit choice
high pencil skirt, white top, belt.


:) grown up renee. ->


i hate this.
i miss the little things
i havent said " you would", "stop smiling" or "green screen" in like a week.
diwuddg ehdhqudhidhiu adhidhihdaiuhdaiuhdad. :(

bodies washed up 30 miles west

do you think about me now and then?

this weekend
1. moving into my crackhouse apartment
(painting/ cleaning/ decorating..ect)
2. hess saturday
3. T.O sunday


wish me luck.
hopefully a little trouble finds it's self my way.

ps. last night i hit a bird.. LOL
who the fuck runs over a bird other than me.
renee moments ahahaha.
smileing.

love and repay debts

i think i've read your blog entry a million times, "i was in his safety, and you weren't", only you got to leave, i'm stuck here, i hate this town, theres nothing here for me anymore. i envy you. i want to leave in the worst way possible but- things dont look so good from that end.
ugh.

my sleep pattern is all fucked up. my daily routines are no longer. it's only wednesday night and im beyond bored. i've achomplished nothing on my to do list, realizing i need to stop feeling sorry for myself and start get inspired to do something, anything at this point.

i don't feel bitter anymore, more like, sad. the saddest kind of sad when sad tries not to be sad. You know, when sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and go, "no, I'm happy for you?" That's when it's really sad.

Thomas ask to see my hands

"it's not like i think about you constantly, so maybe i do"
today i got the full story; what happend on the car ride home, what was said, who was the bigger idiot. not only that, i also heard the best description of a kiss, that almost made up for the fucked up events.
"hes such a brutal kisser, it was like his tounge was a penis, he kept trying to jerk it off in my mouth"
LMAO. oh some people.

last night i finally got decent, deep sleep. however i was rattled with what to do with the entire 8/8ths of my bed.. 2 weeks here we go.

hopefully i can keep as occupied as possible for the next 13 days.

TODO:
1. pay fees
2. paint room
3. JL painting
4. move bedroom furnature to apt.
5. finish moving in.
6. go to hess
7. buy new atire/ plugs
8. tan tan tan tan.

uggh thats it?
at this rate im going to be bored by saturday.
fuck my life.
ps. canada deffinitly got a gold in dragon boating last night ;)

It was a quarter past four, in the morning

some people never seize to amaze me, and not necessarily always in a good way.
the concerned friend, the wise friend to calm me down, the friend who i always dimissed and tried to ignore and the friend who i needed most and wasn't there.
then there were the ones that dont understand no.
that were selfish and disregarded my feelings and made me feel the worst i have felt in a really long time.

and then there was you, without a question in your mind you were there for me, no hidden motives, only my best interest in mind. reassuring it wasn't my fault, that you were sorry, and that you should have done more. when really everything you did was what i needed, my most vounerable moment, and maybe yours. i'm sorry you had to see me like that.

all last night i felt completly alone, although clearly i wasn't, but close just wasn't close enough. i couldn't sleep, all i could do was think. this morning i didnt want to get out of bed, i didnt want conversation, i just wanted to lay there and feel like i know the person next to me actually cares for a brief moment

this is the end

why has no one told me how phenomenal lulu lemon pants are.
as soon as i tried them on i knew id be dropping a ridiculous amount of money for over priced yoga wear.
i was so comfy today. ugh, you dont even know.

so tomorrow is my last day of my first year in college.
how does that saying go? nights i can't remember with friends i'll never forget?
something like that.

HT: being the quite girl who no one would talk to, making friends, laughs, murky vodkacrans, crush confessions, half moves, going to the gym all of 3 times, a&r break chats, vag lockdown, mexican mistakes, bedazzled shirts, momento, lost hope for DT, "UHH THANKS", late night phone conversation about a commong man crush, still getting nervous, being trash in bathrooms, girl chats, i've never, i really like it when, thumper, cigars, brand new/jesse lacy/ "were so CCCCCcontroversial", falling fast- falling out- falling again, 9am incidents with no guidance, certain towels, twister, BAK night in TO, fish bowls, " i'm not saying i would but, i definitly would.", pictionaryx2, mac labs, picking the wrong bathroom and the tuesday night drinking crew.

:)
im s t o k e d for tomorrow night.
fucck i'm gonna be quite the phenomenal tennis hoe.