[ 50 ]

so i waited for him to show up, but he never did. i watched him walk away with his sidekick, as usual, my inbox empty. left to put together the peices of the rest of my day. I ran into her and the kid, and ranted about my ditch-age, once again. i appolgized, but i really just made the kid look like a saint. actually- should that be a direct quote? "see you can't get mad at me, i'll never do anything like that guy- he makes me look like a saint!". thanks kid. rub it in. i'm probably his favourite friend of hers. it took him almost 5 hours to txt me to even wonder where i was (even though we had plans for right after school. i manged to clean my room, shower, get ready, go shopping and come to school before i even crossed his mind. they all watched me. checking my phone every 10 seconds. if eye contact was made, they'd smile, but not real smiles. they pittied me. i gave them the standard i know i'm pathetic shrug back.

[ 49 ]

i couldn't sleep so i goggled.
and learned about his past.

[ 48 ]

my comfort has always been in being the other woman. knowing that it doesn't take much to get any guy to cheat on his girlfriend. if theres anything college has taught me, people cheat without a second thought. it doesn't even take a gorgeous girl, or someone with an award winning personality. any circumstance can become the perfect one for all elements to come together. i've heard it all "i've cheated on them all" "you're lucky number 7" "don't tell my girl friend, but i fiend you all the time." of course, not all potential cheaters were persued. but it's almost funny how many me's there are out there. you know the kind, the girl you hate. the one who claims shes not a homewrecker but when it all comes down to it, could really not take any more pleasure in knowing you've just fucked it all up for them. the reason why i bring this up is because lately my dreams have been filled with the tables being turned. i'm the one who get's cheated on. it's so devastating in my dreams i can't imagine if it was real. so now you may ask- so what renee?- is this where your entry takes an inspirational turn- and you proclaim you've learned and accepted the lord allowed forgiveness in your heart and are a new woman now?
the simple answer is no. it's the woman in me that makes me want to play this game.

[ 47 ]

we alternated sleeping the day way. last night there were no good night kisses and no good morning kisses when i woke either. my concerns were dismissed and you told me to shut up- you had already heard them. your now off in the living room helping your roomate clean, and i'm bored and maybe a little confused. what happens when i feel alone when i'm with you, and your not even here for me to talk to. the last two weekends i've spent my last few hours in oakville for the weekend alone in your room. making the bed, tidying up odds and ends trying to prove i'm still the perfect girlfriend. but not today. the sheets will remain slept in, your desk--with dishes and papers everywhere and tables covered in cigarette leftovers and bong water.

[ 46 ]

i walked in and she was practically sitting on his lap. it wasn't that i didn't trust him i didn't trust her. was i just being a girl? maybe. but seeing her eyes, and our eye talk, we both were on the same page. but then, maybe we both were being girls. it was really tonight that confirmed it for me. when another he, commented on the night. "i notcied that, that girl is whack, i hate when she chills with us." "why did he let her do that?" "you two never show any emotion." and he was right. how was that dumb whore to understand to stop laying on my boyfriend and stop touching his legs when someone who i hang out with every other day is constantly reminding me that my relationship is weird. i knew my name tag analysis was right in last week's entry. the saga continues.

[ 44 ]

it's called common courtesy.
that's all i'm ever trying to get at.

i ran into him in the big room.
he smiled, sweetley, and made akward conversation.
he treated me like a person
like i wasn't gross and disgusting and sick.
he didn't say i looked awful
he didn't say much at all.
but it felt like i had friend in sheridans world of fake people with rude comments.

[ 44 ]

my nose is raw and red from my over use of these kleenex. i've been wearing the same hoodie for 2 days and cuddles are at an all time low.

i'm missing the ufc fight, i'm missing him and wishing we did anything on our to do list this week.

[ 43 ]

and he said
"ill fuck you so hard you might not make it through the night"

karma's been biting my ass.
i've taken alot for granted
you've taken me for granted.
they continue to win.
but you'll never understand.

[ 42 ]

and history books forgot about us
and the bible didn't mention us, not even once.

i knew i didn't like her from the way she wrote a's on her name card.
the drugs won.

[ 41 ]

the morning started with a txt, "is the school closed?". i thought it was going to be a good day-- false alarm. i was haggard and of course reminded of how hot carol from family fued was. point taken, shes tanned thin and gorgeous. i'm pale chubby and have last nights mascara smeared under my eyes. it took me 15 minutes just to get half the snow off my car. i come home and have no place to park because my roomates boyfriend decideds my parking spot has become his new one. my car barley parks on the street because theres already so much snow. he won't move his car until he has to leave for work. fucking phenomenal. the organizer folders i bought yesterday are too great, but i realize i need two more. the soap i bought isn't soap, rather hand sanitizer. my ex boyfriend calls and says we can't do anything this sunday, i'm the fall through plans just incase plan A don't work out. that's not going to fly. i'm not going to be anyones fall back girl. my throat hurts and my ears smell like ear juice. but i'm waiting to move my car before i get wet and freeze going outside. (if her boyfriend ever gets home.) we only get 6 channels and nothings on. i tried to build my computer chair but am missing a screw and can't get the wheels on. so now i have bits and peices of half of a computer chair accross my room and nothing to sit on and my boyfrend didn't want to come over because my house sucks.
and it's only 2:30.

[ 40 ]

"there's this part of Judaism that I like. Tikun Olam. It said that the world is broken into pieces and everyone has to find them and put them back together"

"maybe we don't have to find it. maybe we are the pieces."

[ 39 ]

i have no problem moving on from someone. the history, the stories or the moments we were on top of the world. i can convince myself without even trying that they weren't that special that i've changed and i've grown up and they haven't. but the moment they move on from me, i freak out. i feel betrayed, alone and confused. how could they move on from ME?!. how could they do that to me, leave me here. i'm relying on them to remember the history: to want history to repeat it's self. And when they don't, that leaves me left to remember. left to feel. left to contemplate every last choice. i don't know where this mentality came from. where this need to always be someone's, anyone's number one came from. how i became so dependent on the attention of knowing they want me, but i'll never let them have me,completely, anyways. i fiend control. and
this control is better than any good hair day could ever be.

[ 38 ]

i knew he loved me, i mean, he tells me everyday. but i guess i couldn't have imagined how much care their was behind that love until a few nights ago. until i saw how seeing me upset, really upset him. of course i wish we weren't having that conversation, that our night went on it's merry way like it always does. but at the same time, you really learn alot about someone in those situations. my life's been wierd lately. not good weird, but deffinitly not bad weird. everyday i find my self experience some emotion or feeling i didn't think i was possible or that i hadn't felt in a long time.

i can't seem to get school down either yet. it's way to easy to procrasinate when you have lego batman to play. (yeah renee, join society, blame it on the video games.) all the teachers stress how we're going to be going into the work force soon and blahblah. i'm so panic stricken. do i even want to be in advertising? i'd love to do create, but am i good enough? i miss making movies and photography-- should i switch gears and do that? i want to be filthy rich living in toronto. but am i even ready to move away? i only live in oakville and i miss my home all the time. my rents. my cat. ugh. i hate growing up.

this weekend i need to relax.
and maybe achomplish something other than 2 blog enteries.

[37]

but how do i feel this good sober?

this week was a slew of boring classes, new professors, a bottle of malibu, chunli's reign and the usual no show on a friday morning class. one girl agaisnt five boys, and i still won 25 rounds and probably couldn't have looked cuter doing it. (just saying.) i'm almost back to being poor from random dinners out and over priced caf. food (good thing that text book raked me in $12.00, SCORE!) this week the budget is $10.00 in small change. is that even possible? we'll see. the characters in my class continue to become more animated and even more irritating, however my fingers are still crossed for that dream group. (no not DT, that girl who asks to many questions and the bipolar dj). my love life continues to get even more interesting when life turns into the movies and he shows up at my door at 2am ♥ to bad were just "friends with benefits." how embarassing.

[ 36 ]

this is the first night i'm sleeping in my oakville bed in over a month. it's a little more comfortable than i remembered, which was a plesant surprise. actually, tonight is the first time in over a month that i've really taken a good look at my room. my perfumes scattered on my dresser, my calander that should have been changed months ago and my desk which has to much personality to be considered just a "boy" desk. i think i missed my room, being surrounding in all my stuff is kind of comforting, especially since i have no company in my bed. i'm only two classes in this week and already i find my self doodling and not paying attention, more concerned wether im going to make it in time for the bottomless lunch at swiss challet before 2:30 (which i did, and it was kind of over ratted, but we made out like banchees with the garlic bread). being with new (but really; old) classmates is weird. i forgot about alot of their quirks. the way we smile and i know exactly what shes thinking, the way his shirts hover; some how defying gravity, the look on her face when she disaproves of who i'm talking to if it's not her, the way everytime i hear his voice i'm reminded that he whiped it out for everyone to see. (i didn't see--thank god) there are some actual new classmates, and so far thats interesting but at the same time pretty lack luster. except for this one girl who likes to answer every question, i feel like she may inspire me to go to class more, especially with the chance of her partner being someone who no one is really sure whats his first name and whats his last name and during their presentation a possibility of a dj throwdown on desks with graffiti. i don't know about you- but my fingers are crossed.

until next time.
love.